moo!

hey ger-bear

2010-11-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in here in a long time. I need the outlet, though, today.

Nothing in particular is going on, just the business of grieving. It's so fucking weird. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm crying my fucking eyes out, I'm fine, I'm crying my fucking eyes out, I'm fine. There's no rhyme or reason for why it hits when it does, except, sadly for me, I appear to be losing it mainly in groups, which, yay! My therapist said it might be that I'm afraid to cry alone and might be able to break open a bit around supportive people. All I know is that it sucks. And it's embarrassing.

I couldn't be doing more to get through this. I'm AAing it out the yin yang, I'm going to a suicide support group, and I'm going to therapy. (Every week I swear I'm not going back to therapy as I can't afford it but every week my ass keeps hauling in there… I need it right now. The cost of sanity?)

I'm just tired. Dammit, Gerry. Seriously. I love you more than you could ever know. You were so sweet to me and sometimes you were a giant asshole. You were so funny. You were so fucking depressed. You were so smart and such a fucking dumbass. I could kick your ass right now. I'd give anything to hug you right now. I've got Butters and he makes me think of you every minute. He's such a dorky dog, and so sweet. I just fucking miss you. I've never gone this long without talking to you, even when I was so hurt and angry after fighting with you that I could punch you in the face.

And why did you do what you did? I'll never know how that seemed to be your best option. I imagine the scenarios over and over again. I get that you couldn't stand anyone with the person you loved. I know it was hell. I get that. But to do THAT? I can't make that leap. I actually hope I never will. You were broken down to your toes. I had an idea then and I know now. I tried to help you and you couldn't/wouldn't take it. You couldn't admit how broken you were because to do that you'd risk breaking apart entirely. I wish I knew what would have made a difference. But you were an adult, and eventually I had to leave you the fuck alone. I would have done anything to help you. You know that, right? Anything. All you had to do was ask.

Every day I remember turning that corner at the funeral home and seeing you in your coffin. I saw your face and I still couldn't believe that you were there. It brought me to my knees that day and mentally it still does. Don't you know how loved you were? How loved you ARE?

I remember the day you came into the world. The day you left was the worst day of my life. My baby brother. I want you back.

It kills me that you're not here any more.

Getting started yet again

2010-09-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

"When you die, and it really could be this afternoon, you will not be happy about having said no. You will be kicking your ass about all the no’s you’ve said. No to that opportunity, or no to that trip to Nova Scotia or no to that night out, or no to that project or no to that person who wants to be naked with you but you worry about what your friends will say.

No is for wimps. No is for pussies. No is to live small and embittered, cherishing the opportunities you missed because they might have sent the wrong message."

Dave Eggers

Vaguely sad

2010-03-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

I've been in a good place for a while, so a mini-emotional breakdown is overdue. I am mad lonely. I had a really vivid dream about my ex-boyfriend, who I haven't even seen for two years. (Well, I saw him walking once while I was driving. Doesn't count.) I really missed him out of nowhere. It's retarded. That's the last place I should be going.

I've been genuinely fine for a long time now with being single, and it's suddenly getting very hard. I don't know where this is coming from. I liked not having to worry about anyone else while I was making these monster changes in my life, and while things were changing it was nice not having to deal with big emotional ups and downs. I think I'm ready now and suddenly the absence of possibility is overwhelming. I feel really overweight (which I am) and unattractive and kinda neutered, if that makes any sense. I don't know. I'm a little lost.

Is this because I quit therapy to save money? Oh dear. :)

xoxo

Feeble Attempts

2009-09-11T10:14:00.001-07:00

I'm having a no-work Friday. I mean, I'm AT work, I just don't want to do any. Brain tired.

Linda's shower is this weekend, and I literally did not start or finish any of the projects I planned for this week. Oh, well. I don't know most of the guests anyway. Well, I know many of them, but not all. Topic: I wanted to have all my projects done so the house looked like a real grown-up house, but I'll have to settle for a grown-up-ish house. At least I got lots done last weekend so I don't have a giant list 'o work.

Hmmm. I don't feel like doing this either. Later.

Checking in

2009-08-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

Time for that 2x a year blog entry, whoo!

I'm boring as shit, y'all. That's why I ain't been writin' too much. But what the hell, it's good at least to be productive when I have downtime instead of going through the entire archives of various websites.

Anyway. Obligatory where-I've-been bit out of the way.

Seriously, though, I am boring. Mondays always make me sad when people post all their exciting weekend adventure pictures and all I have to post are more dog pictures. Or cat pictures. Seriously, look at my facebook page. It's all pets. Yawn. No one wants to look at my pets that much. Except me. God, they are made of cute.

But I digress. Or not. Really not a coherent thread of narrative happening here or anything.

Let's see. Maybe a summary will help. Or a list! That's it.

2009, SO FAR:
1) Um, still sober.
2) Job still good.
3) Dog no longer the biggest mistake I ever made, instead an adorable time suck.
4) Have a new roommate. She's cool. I'm getting less anal and controlling, which, yay me!
5) Nanny died. That was… really hard.
6) My parents are taking their financial fuck-up-edness to new heights. It's delightful to watch.
7) Friends are having babies all over the place. Late 30s: gotta get on the stick.
8) Not dating, which is not for lack of… not trying. I'm not trying at all. White-chip cherry intact.
9) Had a huge falling out with my brother, which continues. And makes me sad.
10) Have made lots of new friends, which is really great. My social life is pretty good, but could be better if I made, like, an effort. Ever.

That's a sad list. Okay, am now motivated to get that list splashier by the end of the year. I mean, really.

in the meanwhile

2008-11-14T19:08:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for a while. So, like, sorry.

I'm okay. Not peachy, but okay. I feel like I'm treading water more than making any real headway lately, but at least I'm not (for lack of a good water metaphor) sliding back.

Went to a work party tonight and everyone was drinking and having a great time. I really wanted to drink tonight, more than I have in a while. Tonight this AA thing seemed so stupid, like I really overreacted about the whole thing. I guess that I was so desperate is an indication that I am, in fact, an alcoholic. Dude. I dunno. It was hard.

I wanted to leave but didn't want to make a big deal about it so I literally snuck out. Felt like an ass, but the party was in full swing and I just needed to leave.

Anyway.

twenty years later

2008-09-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

So I attended my 20th high school reunion on Friday after all.

I returned yesterday and had an hour to relax a smidge before meeting people for dinner and a meeting (the new dinner and a movie, don'tcha know), returning home and crashing out really early. Today all my grandiose plans crumbled into cramps on the couch. I read a book, I read two David Foster Wallace short stories online, I talked to my friend in London. And my girl G called and was a bit disappointed that my account of the reunion was so cynical. I think she wanted me to have had a great time. I think that I was open to having a great time, but that a great time just wasn't possible with people so completely different than people I fill my life with these days.

So… a written account. I'm not sure I'm up for it today but let's see what happens, shall we?

First, though, the back story. My friend Jennifer asked me to attend with her about a month ago, and I said no. Put it out of my head. We talked again this week, and she told me that her plans were to go to Columbia Friday afternoon and return Saturday afternoon. I started to think that the road trip part with her sounded fun, and it would be fun to make a quick visit to my family and have a partial weekend home as well. The real factor, of course, was the actual reunion. I agonized over the situation, and finally decided to attend Thursday. I just didn't want to be a fucking coward.

Let me explain the back back story. I attended a private school. There were 72 in my graduating class, and I think about forty-something of us had attended all grades 1-12. Out of the 72 there was a central clique of about 25 who ran everything. Cheerleading, student council, beauty pageants, homecoming, honor society, pep clubs, sports, whatever… this central group (and a supporting group of 10-15 who were semi-popular and intermittently included) ran everything. My friends and I did not exist. We were not visible. None of these 35-40 talked to us except to be mean to us. Casual cruelty about my hair, my clothes, my glasses, my, um, very existence. If we dared to try to join activities we were efficiently put back in our places. We quickly retreated into the safety of chorus where we were relatively safe.

It was only this weekend that I realized how scarred all of us were, meaning my friends as well and not just me. In retrospect, I wish we had figured out sooner that we just weren't going to make into the rarefied atmosphere of the class kings and queens and just made more of our own fun. That's hard to know, though, when all you want in life was to be included into what everyone is told would be the quote unquote best fucking years of our lives. Incidentally, if that was true, I would have shot myself by now.

---

It's now Tuesday. I think I needed a couple of days to absorb. The funny thing is that I am having the oddest experience: I can't remember big chunks of Friday night. It's like I was drunk, but… I wasn't.

Overall, I'm glad I went. It was really great to re-friend my old friends. Jennifer and I really reconnected, and I was surprised that though different we were able to talk about our lives and shoot the shit. 'Cause usually I have a hard time relating to people not of my tribe unless related to me by blood, and sometimes not even then. So, yay.

Anyway, the reunion itself: y'all, walking in that house was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm not exaggerating, unfortunately. I was all pins and needles. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't have any desired outcomes. I was just there to, I don't know, rip open the closet door and look at the monsters.

So, all the girls squealed when we came in, gave us hugs and one line of conversation and then proceeded to ignore us (mostly) in lieu of dancing to 80s tunes and reliving their glory days. In limited conversation I determined that they are all still best friends and all their kids go to the school now. All the girls had southern-lady hair and are all probably in the Junior League. Hanging as party decorations (the house was pretty, though decorated in Early Duck) were every t-shirt ever made and all twelve of our yearbooks and saved prom decorations (seriously) and class wills… stuff I got rid of approximately five seconds after graduation if I ever had it at all. They were reliving their glorious high school years. I was in a post-traumatic stress disorder induced flashback. Which, I'm kinda not joking about: I really am blanking out part of the evening and it was so surreal that I wonder.

So, yeah, I talked to almost everyone for literally a minute or two. I talked to a few people for longer and enjoyed maybe two of the conversations. One being the only other liberal at the party and I think she was excited as me to find a kindred spirit in a strange, strange land. I talked to the guys more than the girls. One of the guys totally gave me a dismissive smirk, which, seriously? Dude, you're wearing your old football jersey over your paunch — without irony — and you're smirking at ME?? I know I looked odd in their insular world since I look more like New York (well, not as much as I did) than Columbia so I'm the freak, proudly.

I kept the bitter snark to a minimum ("I can't hide my Hammond pride, whoo!" "I can") and didn't try to impress anyone 'cause I didn't care enough (seriously, I think my life is awesome but it's hard to convey in a sound bite and I didn't care to try). So, all in all, a success. Whatevs. It was… interesting. Oh, and I'm sure that a picture will be sent out at some point and I will post it for everyone's enjoyment.

Wankers. Sorry, just had to get in one more dig. :) Oh, wait, one more: every man there had on pleated khakis with a polo shirt or an oxford. The only picture I took was of a line of good southern gentlemen in their republican fucking casual-wear uniform.

I am glad I went, seriously. I don't know why, but I am.

Grrrrr

2008-09-24T05:31:00.000-07:00

Smells Like Teen Spirit was released seventeen years ago today.

I bagged on the Dandy Warhols last night even though I wanted to go. I didn't care that no one would go with me, even though, sure, I would preferred it. I didn't care that I'm broke and couldn't afford it. I didn't care that it was all the way back in midtown or that I'd have to pay $10 for parking or hoof it in and risk murder. No, what finally got me was that I went on the Center Stage website to make sure it hadn't sold out and saw that they had put actual showtimes, with the Dandies playing 11:00 to 12:45… and that's what got me. On a school night??!??

Fuck. I'm old.

Another version of a third step

2008-09-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

Hee. I kinda love Margaret Cho.

I’m a Christian, you Fuckers
All kinds of Christians are getting mad about my Sarah Palin comments, and it is pissing me off.

First of all – you fucking fake Christians - don’t fucking question my Christianity. I grew up in the church. My grandfather was a minister, who is with God now and talks to me in my dreams from God’s corner office. I am a former Sunday school teacher. I taught the Bible to children and showed them how to love God and invite him into their hearts. I believe in God – but I don’t fear him. God is my best friend. God is my ally. God is my boyfriend. God is my best fag. I am God’s fag hag cuz didn’t you know, God is a big fag. Serious bottom too. Butch in the streets, femme in the sheets. That is my God. God is my biggest fan. God gets me, dude.

God wants us all to just get along. He doesn’t give a shit about the profanity. The bitch fucking invented profanity. He thinks it is hilarious. He just wants you to talk to him, and he doesn’t care what you have to say. He just wants to keep the conversation going. Like Jay-Z, he just wants to love you. He just wants you to be able to make your own decisions. God is all about you and what you need. God is happy that you are gay. God made you fucking gay cuz he thinks it is awesome. God understands if you need to have an abortion. That is why he created abortion, on the 8th day. God accepts. God forgives. God loves all of us, even though some of us might have a problem with each other.

Don’t fucking question my Christianity you fucking idiot assholes. If you continue to have a problem, then talk to God about it, not me, you fucking racist homophobic misogynist fake Christian shitheads. God thinks it is funny that I swear so much. He said I could use his name in vain or whatever. He just wants me to use it. He loves me. So fuck you. And I guess he loves you too. Even though you are fake Christian assholes. If you were truly Christians, you would let gays get married, and send them fucking presents from Bed Bath and Beyond!

If you truly believed in Jesus, you would try to be like him and love us, fags and dykes and feminists all. God bless you, even you. You fucking fuckers.

politically incorrect me

2008-09-10T06:58:00.001-07:00

Okay, I don't need to be referring to Sarah Palin's youngest as "that little retarded baby". I mean, I think it's funny as I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy sometimes, but really… as a democrat I can't be giving ammo to the Republicans I know. Plus, it just makes me look like an ass. More…MORE like an ass. I know I mean it (simpering) with love, but it really doesn't play well.

In other news:

Yoga kicked my ass last night in a not-great way. As in, I didn't come out happy but rather a bit mangled. Owie. Hopefully it'll be better tonight.

*whining* No one will go see the Dandy Warhols with me!! I've thought of an aa friend who might go, otherwise I'm going by myself, which would NOT be my favorite option. I'm going, though. I saw the Arcade Fire by myself, I saw the National by myself (twice). I'm a big girl. I'll just put on my big girl panties and go.

My diabetic dad has blue feet and won't go to the doctor. Yay. Okay, ONE blue foot. Which makes it so much better.

I am broke broke broke. Car insurance due this week and roofer coming out. Haven't quite figured out how this is going to play out. But I'm SERENE, goddamnit.

Had a lovely lazy day yesterday. Looked at art. Went to Borders to examine magazines to which I'm contemplating subscribing for work. Have a new project briefing today and am excited to start one refreshed as well as with time to work on it. YAY! Until then I am on the internets surfin' the World! Wide! Web! And going to get delicious food from Mediterranean Grill at lunch. Delish.

Watched Fringe last night (new JJ Abrams). Some issues, but promising. I need a Tuesday show anyway. Wait, I read something funny on ALOTTFMA:

Just one eensy weensy teeny tiny request:

Dear J.J.,

Please, please, can you finally learn the lesson that you were supposed to learn from Alias but apparently didn't because you did it again on Lost? Namely: can you please have a plan for what the Pattern is ahead of time? So that maybe you don't find yourself in the customary situation of having 20 episodes under your belt and suddenly having to figure out how to tie together a statue with four toes, a big red ball of goop, a jar of smoothaise, six random numbers, and a fourteenth-century sketch of Jennifer Garner? Please? Thanks.

Love, KCosmo

I know, right? Unlike my friend there, I still have hopes for Lost. I've seen nothing that looks like a failed attempt at reconciling story threads, just some stray threads that may be reconciled yet.

Couple of thoughts re: Fringe: 1) that my inexplicable switch to preferring blonde guys continues (which mystifies me) as I thought the guy who played John was teh hotness (in internet-speak), 2) Joshua Jackson is also a hottie even though I have no (despite having?) Dawson's Creek residual perceptions of him (I never watched Dawson's Creek and 3) X-Files associations definitely there but not overwhelming. Yet.

In other tv news, I have seen TOO MUCH Intervention. I was watching it with my friend who was staying with me and, in my attempt to explain everything to her I realized that I literally knew everything. There was a live recap show Monday (!!!) with audience questions. For example, when someone asked the interventionists about their most difficult interventions I knew Sweaty Ken was going to say Christy: which means that I remembered which interventionist had which interventionee (new words, I has them) and who was the bad on the scale of crazy to really fucking crazy. Think I need an Intervention intervention.

BTW< check ME out with all the italics. I'm gettin' fancy, yo.

Oh, hey to my brother who apparently managed to get dog poop flung into his mouth, which HEE. No, HA HA HA. With a BWAH thrown in. It's not MY story, so GerBear, wanna share?

I have critique tomorrow at (name redacted: don't need to be googled), which is a good thing. See student work, mingle, make a leetle money.

Anything else? Drawing a blank, but as am rocking the frequent update initiative am okay to go.

Kisses, bitches!!

LOLme

2008-09-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

Ohmigosh, I made a LOL. I'm simultaneously ashamed and proud.

I mean, what a dorky thing to do. On the other hand, I am a part of internet meme history. Or something.

Hee. :)

cat mute button

2008-09-08T07:34:00.001-07:00

Oh, dear god, last night Max did his freaked out meowing that comes with a guest in the house. Jesus, it makes me want to trade him in for a version with a remote control and a mute button. Do they make those? (That'd be handy anyway to shut him down so I can actually take him to the vet.) I wanted to kill him this morning. On the glass-half-full version of events I was up early and had a leisurely breakfast. Plenty o' time to snarf down my — wait for it — homemade granola. I know, right? I'm impressed. :)

It's 10ish and I already read something I love today. Someone on Jezebel referred to a friend as "the Piper to my Trig" which I am SO working into a conversation as soon as it's possible.

My least favorite bit of reading so far today is that the GOP has seen a huge bounce in the polls since the convention. I so don't understand this country. Do they read? Like, at all? How can they mindlessly suck up this shite they're being fed? I just… can't wrap my head around it. And how does secessionist-leaning, book-banning, sketchy firing, anti-sex ed with a knocked up daughter, speaking in tongues, weird kid-naming, scary anti-choice freak like Sarah Palin get mindlessly championed? *whimpering* I don't GET it. And how do you position yourself as the party of change when you've been in charge?? And people fall for this Karl Rove-ian badmouthing and gossip mongering every time. I'm just… bewildered. And scared as shit that these people will win yet again.

In other news, I need these, but am on a budget and can't get them. *whining* But it's not just a want, I NEED THEM.

Sometimes it sucks to be well-behaved.

Dude.

2008-09-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

I remember my dad scoffing and growling at award shows when I was a tween-before-there-were-tweens, all disgusted when I'd be practically peeing myself to see Prince or Madonna or Duran Duran performing live.

Tonight, I did my usual speed-watch of the VMAs, having recorded it and then skimming through it. It's… horrid, y'all. And the more I rolled my eyes, the older I felt.

Thanks, MTV, for your irrelevance adding to my pre-midlife angst.

Remember when Krist Novoselic threw his bass up in the air and beaned himself, and Kurt didn't know it and kicked him in the ass? Good times.

How 'bout y'all write something in the comments about something you liked back whenever so this gets all interactive and shit? And I know who's reading this? I kinda do, but corroboration would be lovely.

Oh, I found out tonight that my aa crush is moving to California. Pouting. I'm not supposed to date anyway, so it's probably, like, the will of god or something. Sigh. I'm dyin' over heah. My sobriety date is (inadvertently) also my celibacy date. Fabulous, wonderful, yeah, yeah… I know I'm doing the not-dating-for-a-year-thing. Goddamnit. Yay. Fuck.

Okay, it's late and I gotta go to bed. I'm up a bit later than usual as I have an unexpected guest. My friend's house had a tree fall on it (last night while sleeping) and she has no power, so there's that. Could always be worse.

Love y'all. xoxo

wiping tears

2008-09-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, too cute. Dangerous: gives me urge for kittens!! which I must ignore.

and it starts spilling out…

2008-08-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

Not busy at work so thought I'd catch up here. Nothing to report, really, but let's see what I can cull from my brain.

Am re-contemplating my high school reunion. I had decided, no, definitely not. Now, though, my hs friend Jennifer with whom I have lately reconnected is definitely going. In fact, she writes:

--
I am going to this reunion. I have to go. If I don't go, then they win. I can't explain it, but that is how I feel. I have to go. I don't care if I have the sh*ttiest time ever, or if I have to go alone ([friend#1] doesn't want to go either, but I think I can talk her into it; I doubt [friend#2] will go. She is so traumatized from JHA it is unbelievable). So there you have it. I am going. You're welcome to join me, but I understand if you are not ready.
--

I can totally relate. I think about high school or about going to see those evil bastards and I get all post traumatic stress disorder-y. Honestly, I would mostly be going to see my few friends. There is — I have to be honest — part of me that wants to be badass and not the shrinking nonentity wallflower those assholes got off on torturing. I can stand up for myself now, and they can keep their small-town Junior League Talbots-wearing asses on their side of the goddamn room. Ooh, see… angry much? That boiling up scares me. But I was bullied when I wasn't ignored, and I feel so bad for the me that I was. No one deserved that. I wish I could go back and tell that girl that high school is nothing and that one day I'd escape.

I guess I'm contemplating going for that girl I was, who could have only dreamed that in twenty years I'd live in Atlanta after having lived in New York, that I'd have lots of friends who love me, that I'd be in a badass profession with a great job in a great company, that I'd own a house, that things would fucking be okay.

I guess that's what Jennifer was getting at, that I'm me and I like myself and all y'all can just go fuck yourselves.

(I have to be honest though and really wish it wasn't so soon. I'm getting in shape at a good clip, but I wish I was skinny again. That's okay, though… I have an idea for what to wear (thank god my arms and legs usually stay thin). Unfortunately the ensemble was in Japanese Vogue and cost like a meeellion dollars, so I need to construct the H&M version. Bad-assitude. Anyway, those clunky heels, the short boots? Gotta get me some… gonna need six feet o' me. I know, shallow. I'm ashamed, but not. They judged me on shallow shit for 12 years. Gonna feed it back to 'em.)

Anyway, OBVIOUSLY, this is pulling up a few issues. Just a leetle. Obviously, this issue will be on the short list for therapy. I wrote this to a friend yesterday:

--
Hee: just fussed in my head about [my therapist] being gone this week and I realized -- again!! -- I need to not be so cavalier about her in my financial picture. I keep thinking, oh, I'll just go down to every other week, and then I have some panic-y emergency. Sigh.
--

So, yeah, I have time to decide. I wish this wasn't a big deal, but… it is.

Well, I had some other topics but my reunion angst pretty much filled up my typin' time. Ees almost time to go. Also, I think I need to absorb how badly damaged I apparently am. Poor me. Both of me. :)

I'm baaaack

2008-08-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

Dude, I feel like I've been gone FORever. I went to the beach and it was fun. My sister was welcoming and it was great spending time with them; nonetheless, I don't think I'm gonna do it again next year. I just felt like a mooch. Maybe we can all meet at the beach and I could have my own space. I think I'd be much happier that way.

Went to Columbia after that and celebrated my other nephew's birthday. Took the two boys out for a birthday extravaganza involving the zoo, Chick-fil-A and Frankie's Fun Park. Toward the end I thought I was going to strangle some little boys, but it turns out that—exhausting as they are—they were not the cause of my increasing misery. Took them home, got back to my parents' house and had to rest I was so miserable (to my parents' great amusement: "they wear you out THAT much?") which turned into acute nausea. Which turned into… projectile vomiting. Lovely. Puked all night, which turned into, well, the other. So sick.

Dragged myself back to Atlanta Sunday morning but didn't work Monday. Dragged myself in Tuesday, left early Wednesday. Subsisted on saltines, broth and egg noodles, toast, gatorade. Miserable. Didn't stop with the, um, poo issue until yesterday. Oh my gawd, small favors, man. So grateful to not be sick anymore.

I was just so miserable this week. Weak and nauseated, yes, but psychologically decimated by not being in any meetings or yoga for over two weeks. It's crucial now to my emotional wellbeing. Plus being around my family is incredibly difficult. My parents' house is fucked. I'm not sure if I've gone into this here (I don't think so) but their house is about ten years overdue for a new roof. The shingles are practically torn off. When it rains water pours in throughout the house. The floor is sinking in spots and buckling in others. The ceiling is breaking away. There is black mold peeking through holes in the ceiling. I don't even think the house is salvageable, honestly I don't. And hearing my dad say that he just needs someone to put in the cornice and he'd put on the roof, which a) he physically can't and b) would be kind of a band-aid on a gaping wound as the rest of the house is rotten through and through anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore. My advice is unwanted: I can't fix them and they're adults. Dunno. Sucks.

So, point is, I tend to be emotionally traumatized when I return from Columbia anyway, and couple that with being sick, being away from my support systems and having a rough week at work… well, it was a pretty emotionally trying week. I feel LOTS better this weekend, thankfully. Can't wait to get back to yoga this week, yay!!

Oh, and get this: got home to a leak in MY roof. My roommate hadn't told me about a bad spot in her ceiling. For some reason she thought I knew, but I don't go in her room, yo. Anyway, just saw it when she left. While I was gone we had some big rains and NOW the spot has spread to my kitchen. I panicked, hardcore, after just leaving my parents' sieve of a house. Turned into a full-on I-can't-afford-my-house panic, which, well, now that my roommate's gone, I kinda can't, at least not without many sacrifices. But I just need to slow the hell down, though, and make a considered rational decision about what I'm going to do… and I certainly didn't need to panic about all this last week when I was down anyway.

Wanna know how bad it got? Through Facebook I had gotten back in touch with an old friend, who's a stay-at-home mom and is, like, LITERALLY the president of the PTA. For a few minutes this week I imagined her life, and was so beat down and worn out that I started thinking maybe I should find a rich guy, pop out a couple of kids and just, like, do yoga and cook organic meals. Not that I'm saying that that life's all roses: it's definitely not something I'd ever want… normally, that is. Scared me straight.

It's getting late and I'm old and need lots o' sleep. This couldn't have been interesting, so bless your heart for wading through all this. :)

xoxo

080808!!

2008-08-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

By request, I am updating my blog. (Hey, sugar!)

However, this is me not packing or cleaning like I'm supposed to be doing. Instead, I am on the computer (obviously) while watching the Opening Ceremony. My boss is there and instructed us to watch the Ceremony, it's supposed to be amazing. Pretty damn cool so far. Just saw a Coke commercial that barely used our identity, but it did! So cool. So much work: I wish I was there to see it. (If you have access to my facebook page, get my company's web address and check out my boss' Olympic blog -- plus our work -- for the Olympics. I'm really proud of it all.)

So… I am going on vacation, yay!! I'm heading to the beach tomorrow with my sister, BIL and nephew. I am taking 7 books and 5 magazines. Hopefully, that will be enough. :)

I have also procured a 100SPF fabric beach umbrella. I plan to park my ass under it for the next five days.

Oh, can you BELIEVE this?!?: someone stole my damn peaches off my damn tree. I am fuming. I hope they choke on them and die. Fuckers.

So, the other weirdness right now is that Facebook is scaring up ghosts from the past right and left. Freaky, yo. Lots of people from back in the day. Plus, through Facebook got an email for my 20th high school reunion (20th: holy fucking shit). And -- typical, god -- there was a class picture attached that did not have me or any of my friends in it. I mean, do they even fucking think? I know: bitter, much? But, really, you can't know what post traumatic stress disorder all this stirred up. That said, I might even go. I dunno, there's a couple of reasons: I would like to see my friends, I'd like to see who got yucky looking, and I might get -- for lack of a less cheesy term -- closure. Evil motherfuckers. Also, I've never been to a reunion, college or high school: I think I'd like to have the experience. If I was fifty pounds lighter I'd definitely go. Thank god I have a good job, at least, and look young for my age (hee). :)

(Y'all: this is so freaky, all these commercials for the Olympics and seeing all this stuff I've been seeing for years now, it's crazy.)

What else? Oh, another Facebook thing: a guy I went to high school with is now a yoga instructor in Columbia and I'm going to check the place out when I'm there. (I really don't think I want to go ten days without a class. Really.) Oh, I didn't mention the Columbia leg of my trip. Going Thursday night to Saturday/Sunday. Friday is my nephew Trace's birthday extravaganza consisting of me spending lots of money on the ungrateful brats (me + the two nephews). Totally kidding, unless they make me take them to the Mummy 3 instead of Wall-E. I begged, but let's see. Oh, I think the zoo and lunch is also included. Plus they'll probably knock the shit out of each other at some point. They like that.

Hmmm, what else? I've started making yoga friends and some aa friends. It's really cool to be making good girlfriends when it's usually so hard to when you're not in school anymore. I think it's really cool. And my new aa friends are great. One, especially, I feel close to: I went to her birthday dinner this week and she gave me an awesome card for my six month chip and made me a little teary.

Oh, yeah, the six month chip. I has it. I'm fucking badass, man. Oh: strangely I've been missing smoking more than drinking this week. What's that about?

Dude, these tai chi guys on the Opening Ceremony are AMAZING. Hey, I'm live-blogging! Hee.

I am so totally not being productive, and I really want to get on the road 10ish. I've GOT to get busy. I'll talk soon. Love y'all!

update

2008-07-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody. I haven't talked to any damn body lately, so if you're reading this and I have ignored you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Know what I do?? Yoga and AA. I go to yoga Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. I go AA Monday night, Wednesday lunch, Thursday night, Saturday night and Sunday either morning or night.

Know what I am? Still fat. Dude. You'd think I'd have lost some weight, huh? I'm SO much stronger and more flexible — it's totally amazing, it is — but I'm not any smaller and am still busting out of my fat clothes. It's truly mystifying.

I have been busting my ass lately at work. Putting out fires right and left. I am so ready for my vacation.

My roommate moved out yesterday. I am SO EXCITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I have my house back, y'all. I could cry. I had the music up SO LOUD last night. I just really missed playing music, which I didn't do because I am nice. I don't have to be nice anymore, bitches! And she was always home, seriously. I am just so happy. *sniff*

(Poor. Poor, but happy.)

I have much work to do to get my house in shape, cleaning, rearranging, etc. It'll be fun, though. Well, the rearranging more than the cleaning.

Oh, August 4? My six month chip. Six months without a drink. Can't believe it.

Am in full want-a-dog mode. Have been looking online. Dangerous.

Gotta run. Revisions to make.
xoxo
s

Yes, I'm celibate lately, why do you ask?

2008-07-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

Topic of the Day:

MEN I THINK ARE HOT
Daniel Craig (Jeezus. Yum.)
Josh Holloway (Sawyer on Lost. He's dirty! He has dimples!)
Matt Berenger (of the National. Dreamy. Writes.)
Ewan McGregor (Badass. Tasty. Scottish.)
Michael Vartan

MEN I THINK ARE HOT, HONORABLE MENTION
Johnny Depp
Brad Pitt
Jon Stewart

MEN I THINK ARE HOT, LOST EDITION
(in descending order)
Sawyer
Jack
Sayid, Desmond (tie)
Jin

Love

2008-06-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

This:

june update, now with nanny

2008-06-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

I had some things to write about, but now, of course, I have forgotten what they were.

Hmmmm.

I went to Columbia this weekend to see the family. It was at least more enjoyable than the last few trips home, which were painful. Saturday we had a cookout at the lake at a semi-private beach. It was a very nice way to see everybody. My dad even made it out for a little while, which is nothing short of miraculous to me.

Have I ever mentioned that I constantly have dreams about my parents fixing their house? Millions of variations of the theme, but always involving them improving things for themselves. I spend so much mental energy on worrying about them, and just as much trying not to. I can't fix things for them but I feel guilty anyway.

Oh, and here's my Nanny sending me on my way. :)

I think I gained 10 pounds: I ate so much rich food that I am nauseated today. Burp, seriously.

In other news, I've really been enjoying Facebook. It's been so fun getting back in touch with people, like last week with a high school friend. I had heard years ago that she was in Atlanta, and I had unsuccessfully tried to get in touch with her but hadn't known her married name. Well, I sent her a note via email and she tracked me down at my work number and called and was so excited that I was here. It was fun and not a little gratifying. I'm always a little surprised when people are happy to hear from me, which sounds a little pitiful but is not intended to be. :)

Coming up next for me is a visit from my brother and SIL to go to R.E.M. and the National, which, seriously, I'm so excited. Oh, do any of y'all know what the deal is with lawn tix at Lakewood? Do people bring chairs and stuff? Like, food? I have no idea what to expect. I have to decide: I bought seats for two of us, and now there are three of us. Can't decide whether to invite a fourth person and split up, or whether I should sell my tickets and get lawn tix for all three of us.

Okay, gotta work. BBS. xoxo.

a well-behaved girl

2008-05-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

Y'all, I got nothin' here. I'm boring, for reals. Well, boring, but not bored: I just don't think things look especially exciting from the outside. I'm just working on myself full time.

See? boring.

I'm working on my 4th step right now, which is the moral inventory. It's been hard to get going on this one. I have to write up who/what/when/where/how kind of stuff on resentments, fears, blah di dah. Anyhoo, it's gonna take forEVER. I spent an hour yesterday writing about my dad. Of course, I'm going overboard (way too much time on one person), but I'm nothing if not thorough. All or nothing, baby, except that…

I've been kind of half-assing AA lately, and have been called on it a bit my some of my fellow AAs. I realized that somewhere along the way I had decided that not all of the tools you're supposed to use applied to me. I mean, I'm SMART and I'm in THERAPY: I don't need to call my sponsor every day. I don't have to go to 50 million meetings. I did, however, find out that missing meetings (and yoga) put me in a scary place mentally. I get frazzled and moody and feel a bit lost. I didn't really get what was happening until I realized that both of those things (meetings and yoga) are vital tools to make me grounded and centered. Booger. I thought I could do shortcuts. Shortcuts, though, make me want to be bad. I miss being bad. I also, though, like being good. Ees a conundrum.

So, yes, I am very well-behaved. Except for today, really: have been slammed lately at work and had a sudden lull today. I took full-advantage. Came in late, took a long lunch (went to the mall first time in forever and procured makeup and shoes for some much-needed girly treats) and am leaving a wee bit early. Deserve it, though, so I don't feel bad. Brain happier.

Okay, gonna run. Wanna hit Target before my meeting. Whoo! Exciting!!

lots 'o newness

2008-05-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

I didn’t mean to be gone so long, y’all. Sorry ‘bout that.

I’m doing well, seriously. I am all AA and yoga these days. I know, right? It’s crazy how much things can change. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t (smoke)… and I exercise. Pigs are flying, y’all.

I love yoga, for real. I’m going to yoga four or five times a week, and crave it when I can’t go. It’s like therapy with fitness side effects. It dissolves that knot in my chest I used to hit with alcohol and (smoking). I get stressed out and think “oh, I can’t wait for yoga” and look forward to going.

Yoga’s another addition to that mental list of things I never liked or understood that I now find to be wonderful, such as getting up earlier or caffeine-free Diet Coke. Next thing you know I’ll be training for a marathon. Naw, I fucking hate running. Never say never, though, right? I do, however, have a five day a week treadmill-with-an-episode-of-Lost habit. But I don’t run. I walk a leetle fast.

Sunday is my 90 Days in AA. I’m really proud of this.

So, yeah, that’s about it these days. I’m not being super social lately. I’ve really enjoyed all this time I’ve been investing in myself, and it’s really my priority right now. H kinda insinuated that I’m becoming a pod person or something, like sobriety means I’m going to be a recluse for the rest of my life. That’s not it at all, even though it made me think. I can be around people drinking, totally, but it’s not necessarily easy. Especially situations that are exactly like they used to be, like meeting for after work drinks at the Local… except I can’t drink. At some point I’ll be more comfortable, but I’ve got a way to go before that’s a good idea.

For now, I’m fine with my totally new life. Which is what I have, pretty much. It’s cool, though.

I actually came in here to bitch about my mom sucking me into the family vortex of debt with her sick puppy, but I can’t talk about it anymore. I pretty much wasted an hour of therapy already talking about helplessness and anger, blah di blah, and I’m bloody tired of it.

Oh, and I just left the dermatologist’s office without being seen after I’d been there 50 minutes and they said it’d be another 20 minutes until they could take me back. Not having hours to be away from work I bailed and rescheduled the appointment… for June. Grrr.

Anyway, bbs. kthxbai. xoxo, s

ducky

2008-03-31T08:28:00.001-07:00

I have been informed that I have been slack as a blogger. So now I shall endeavor to catch the fuck up.

Things are good. I have been really really tired lately and I don't understand why, but otherwise all has been ducky.

I am still not drinking OR smoking. Ahem, anything. It'll be two months this week. Yay me!!

This weekend was lovely. Spent some time with two of my readers (hee, funny. love y'all!) and it was muy fun. I let myself be talked into going to Underworld Friday night. It was a good show, even if I was a bit squeamish with the aging raver kids. NOT a good look. Seriously, if you're over 35, put DOWN the glowsticks. Actually, everyone put down the glowsticks. It's not circled back around to cool yet, m'kay? Knew H would be there so was looking for him. Saw him in the crowd so loitered to meet up with him afterwards… and finally met the girlfriend! It was weirdly not weird, which was the weirdest part, actually. I did get a little judge-y with her outfit, which… bad me!!

Saturday I hung out with J before he headed home, which was fun. I collapsed on the couch after he got on the road and napped until time for my meeting. Afterwards went to a girl from the meeting's birthday party: my first sober party was also my first party sober so that was a good thing, and also very fun.

Yesterday I slept way too much (what is UP with this??) and went to a meeting. It was a different group I've only been to once before but saw some people I know, which is cool. Talked a long time to this Margaret Cho look-and-sound-alike who I've talked to before. Cool girl. That's the really cool part of aa, the meeting of people getting sober too.

Hmmm, what else?

My roommate might be moving to Australia to work in another office for her job. She's gotten the offer now and is mulling it over. I'm totally okay with whatever she decides. I like her lots so I'll be happy to keep her as a roommate, but I'd also like to live alone again. I kind of like that the decision is out of my hands. Barring financial catastrophe (knocking on wood) I'm not planning on getting another roommate. Next person I live with I hope to be having sex with (…speaking of wood. Sigh. Sorry. Can't help making bad puns). I think she'd be nuts not to take the job unless it's just not enough money on which to survive (I don't have the details). Such a good opportunity for her.

I'm holding off on painting until she tells me what she's doing. If she moves out I'll have to rethink the house. Fun!!

I still obsessing over getting a dog. I do not know where this urge is coming from, but I'm fighting it. I have plenty o' animals.

Just reread this and it's badly written, but don't feel like fixing, so just don't judge me, okay?? :)

Gotta run! Time for lunch!

xoxo, y'all!

psycho

2008-03-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

"Why do you have to be so psycho? Any of my friends would have just called without the drama. Enough already."

Niiiiice.

1) I'm your ex-girlfriend, not one of your guy friends.
2) I called you weeks ago after not hearing from you after YOU initiated contact and I called back. I didn't hear back. Got a random text message from you the other day, which was weeks later. Called you, you hurried me off the phone with an "I'll call you this weekend. We'll get lunch." You didn't call, and I called you on it. Admittedly by text message not the best way, but still: You. Full of shit.
3) I never EVER called you names. I might have been snarky, but I was never mean.

You know, maybe I AM psycho, seeing as your definition of "psycho" entails having emotions. Like, any emotions at all. No wonder every girl you date turns "psycho."

Wow, look! I'm psycho now. Meaning angry.

I wasted so much time on this guy, grrrrrrr. And this impulse of mine to stay friends really needs to be reexamined. It's obviously not worth it. Especially when he obviously hadn't actually wanted to be friends and only went through the motions so he wouldn't be the bad guy. Instead he passive aggressively and systematically pissed me off until I pushed back, so that he could put it all back on me with the label of psycho.

Oh, and "psycho"? Seriously? That's what keeps astonishing me: that's the best you got? Calling the ex-girlfriend a psycho: that's such a fucking stereotype. I mean, really. You call black people lazy? That's pretty funny too.

On the other hand, I probably am. Psycho, that is. Heh. But, you know what? I'm no longer putting off growing up. I am not, at the very least, going to make the same mistakes over and over again. Starting now: sometimes there's no point in trying to be friends, so… I won't.

help wanted

2008-03-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, I am one needy bitch.

Just got home from an AA extravaganza of an evening. Went to the business meeting thing, then the meeting itself and afterwards to get food and a variety of non-alcoholic beverages with some people from the group.

I feel so not myself right now. I get so freaked out and nervous and desperate for help, for understanding, for someone who tell me what to do. You're supposed to admit that you need help from a power greater than yourself. I finally understand what that means, at least a little. I can't do this alone. I've been going to these meetings and haven't been able to wrap my head around that. But tonight we talked about fear, and I realized that I am afraid to ask for help.

It's so not me to want someone to tell me what to do. For now, right now, I needed to ask. So I asked. And someone stepped up to help out. I have to call her every day for 30 days. She's giving me a plan of action. That's a good thing. I never thought I'd ever cede control to anyone ever again. But that's not what this is: it takes strength to ask for help. It takes power and self-awareness to realize that I am better than the life I've been leading and finally have the balls to change it. In ceding power even a little is the way I'll become strong. And when I become strong I'll help somebody else. It's what you do, it's how this works.

The deal is… I like sobriety even though it sucks. It sucks in that I miss drinking (SO MUCH), that it sucks to have to change my life (for now) to be able to deal with the not drinking (as in my standard social thing is, hey, let's meet up for a drink). I know that things will get easier. Just… well, it's hard.

But it's absolutely right. I anesthetized myself nightly to be able to stay in a sad semblance of a marriage. It got to be a habit even now that I am finally getting better after struggling so hard for so long to find myself again. I want to see what life is like sober. Right now I'm supersensitive without the chemical barrier I've had up. I'm letting myself feel things again. It's uncomfortable and foreign and scary. I'm establishing the kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life. I guess at 37 it's like midterm exams. I want a life I'm proud of. I want to be a person who can deal with life.

I'm proud of myself, though. I can do this. I can absolutely do this. Even if -- especially if -- it sucks.

creaky

2008-02-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

Wow, here I am again in less than a week. Crazy, eh?

Now that I'm here I have nothing to say. Surely not! Hmmmm…

I am going to see a chiropractor tomorrow for my ancient creaky back. Computers have messed me up. I got forms to fill out before I go, and there was a chart to write location and type of pain. I pretty much circled bra strap to skull and marked as both dull and stabbing. And my right shoulder to my wrist as numb. I'm suddenly optimistic that I can be fixed. And it's partly covered by my insurance. Copay, hooray!

I have been SO GOOD lately. It's freaking crazy. Let me tell you about my evening last night:

Went to a 7:00 AA meeting.
Resisted urge to cross street and pick up McDonald's for dinner.
Went home and watched my nightly episode of Season 1 Lost -- on the treadmill. It's my new thing. Exercise!!
Ate a salad.
Watched half a Project Runway.
Went to bed and read my book.

Astonishing, eh?

Am gearing up for my trip to New York that I totally can't afford. (Y'all. Seriously. I have spent SO MUCH MONEY lately.) So I'm going to be super cheap. Still going to H&M though, even though I am fat and do not deserve clothes. (We're supposed to be getting an H&M soon, but not damn soon enough.) Am not calling too many people this trip. Really have only a very few people I feel like seeing. Dunno. Just wanna wander around. It's gonna be freaking cold, though, which is why February is a dumbass time for a trip. We have daffodils blooming here, for god's sake. Oh, well, I'll come back and it'll officially be spring. Yippee!

Um, that's it for now. Just trying to check in more often. Keeses!!

Alcoholics go to meetings

2008-02-11T07:45:00.000-08:00

Hi kids!!

In a magical lull* at work so am taking advantage to catch up here. Hi! Howdy! Missed y'all!

Things that are going on:

I've gotten mighty pudgy. That sucks. I don't feel like me when I have extreme muffin top and thigh chafing. Nasty.

Bea has a scabby head rash. It's an allergic reaction to something. The vet says to change her diet.

Um, I wrecked my car and have quit drinking. Those two things are IN NO WAY related (ahem). I am actually going to AA. Yes, seriously. I have actually uttered the words "I'm Sherri, and I'm an alcoholic." I am reading the BIg Book. Yes, let me repeat: I have quit drinking. And, um, the smoking of non-cigarettes as well, which has actually been harder so far. (I know the drinking thing will get harder when I let myself go out again. Then it will suck and I will have to deal.)

I could defend this decision since some of you are probably, oh, she's overreacting. I promise that I'm not. I've actively avoided being sober most of the time for a while now, but I think other people only saw it in snippets. My roommate didn't even know how bad it had gotten. My therapist has been telling me for a while, especially as behavior driven by alcohol has been a big source of concern for a while.

I've been grieving in my first week of sobriety. No more beer on a summer night? No wine with dinner? No margaritas? I'm bummed, definitely (massive understatement). This is a big, big deal. But I do feel better already, like a haze is lifting. I hate that I couldn't control my drinking and have gotten here, but that's kinda the point. And I can't evolve until I let myself feel things again instead of drowning everything out.

So here I am. I have to figure out who I am all over again.

I miss you, alcohol. I love you. Maybe one day we can work things out, but for now I can't see you anymore. I'll never forget you.

So, back to the car thing. I had been thinking about a new car but had decided against it. But when I totally whacked the fuck out of the front wheel assembly at 35mph I kinda rethought it. So I am the proud owner of a new Rabbit, which is basically my Golf five years later and with four doors. I feel so bad about hurting my wonderful little Golf so badly. I hope she finds a wonderful new home. I love you, my little Golf!

From when I cleaned her out, the before and after:

Life is crazy, eh?

More to come.

* I'm sure I could find SOMETHING to do.

Graceful and talented

2007-12-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

Gravity is not my friend.

before

after

And, yes, I was totally sober. Yes, hard to believe. I tripped up the stairs at work. And, yes, it hurts like a bitch.

Sigh.

good news!!

2007-12-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'm going on staff at my job!!!! Boss came to me to offer full-time gig at a good salary with all benefits, etc. That I'd been doing a great job and everyone already thinks of me as one of the family.

I actually kinda clapped and grinned like an idiot. He was like, are you interested? And I was all "um, yeah" which might not have been greedy business savvy but I don't care. I'm ecstatic, seriously.

And I got a bonus!! Signed with a "thanks a million!". So nice.

Got a bit o' Christmas shopping done today (online, in PJs), yay! And to celebrate the job I bought a bed. Something grown-up and pretty. Iron bed from LL Bean, which seems weird but the bed is awesome.

Christmas party for work Friday was great fun. Got lots of hugs from people for coming on board. Got only mildly drunk, I'll take small favors.

Very odd situation with the boy I talked about last. No fucking idea what happened there. Or is happening? I have no idea. But I'm handling it like a big girl. Who's had lots of therapy.

Yay!!!! :)

It's just so nice to be happy. I'm very grateful.

Oh, yeah: birthday party for meeeeeee at my house! January 5, which a Saturday and my actual birthday. I'm prettying up the house for it. Make plans now! :)

monday, monday

2007-12-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

Tired today. Busy weekend. Saturday I had my new HVAC put in. You know, like ALL of it. AC, furnace, ductwork, air filter, blah di dah. Three guys in my crawl space (dirty!) all day. But I have lovely lovely heat. Yes, it's 70 degrees. Whatever. It's there… when I need it. Damn global warming.

Oh, and it cost $6197. On a credit card. Yay!

Sunday Genie and I drove to Columbia for the day. To give Genie's car to my mom (long story, let's just sum up as free car begats free car). It was totally awesome of her and it was hugely appreciated (my mom's car has been half dead and running on, I dunno, mojo) but I was, of course, worried about it being weird between me/Genie or something. She's just a Very Good Girl.

Anyway, Columbia and back in a day is hard. I had fun, but I is all tired and shit. And I wanted to see Oprahbama but we couldn't quite swing that in the time alotted. Did see most of the fam, and it was fun.

My nephew, yesterday: "Aunt Sherri, you've gotten FAT." My sister was mortified, but I thought it was funny. I mean, it wasn't great to hear, but he's right. Heh. Sigh.

Not so busy yet here at work (which is why I have time to write) but probably a shit-soon-to-hit-the-fan sort of way. Nice to have a lull, even if short-lived. Maybe even nicer as usually so busy and thus even more appreciated.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Tired.

talk soon, xoxo, s

catching up

2007-11-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

Been gone again, sorry. Should stop apologizing every time I'm in here, apologies which could be avoided by coming here more often. Um. So, anyway, hey howdy. Keeeses!

I'll do another list thing so I can avoid an actual narrative. Have no number in mind, will keep going until over it.

1) In an ominous lull here at work. Shit about to hit the fan but today not so much. Which is good, 'cause I'm a teeny bit hungover. Have a feeling, though, that it's one of those stealth hangovers that get worse as the day goes on. We'll see. Bet it's ibuprofin before lunch today, baby.

2) Went to a big anniversary blast last night at my old job. Impressive blowout. Had a great time. Don't think I made too big a fool of myself at any point. I hope.

3) Hated seeing everyone when I've gained so much weight. I hate having three extra chins. Must. Lose. Weight. Damn.

4) The increased boobage is nice, thought. Wish I could keep 'em when I get skinny again. (Note there's no "if" there: I will lose weight!)

5) Have a bit of a crush on someone. Being good and waiting to see if a good idea to date this person (not explaining WHY as may give away WHO) — assuming, of course, that this boy wants to date me. In any case, I'm tired of instigating things with guys. Am a catch (keep telling myself things like this), damn it. Will do my share but would like to be pursued already.

6) Headache increasing as typing progresses. Damn stealth hangover.

7) Went "camping" with my sister, BIL and nephew last week. Camping is in quotes as it's in a campground, yes, but an RV with a heater, hot water, toilet and a DVD player is not exactly roughing it. Had a fabulous time. Beautiful leaves, mountains, campfires, deelicious food on the grill, a hike around a lake. It was a good time.

Oh, also randomly ended up in a little town and randomly parked in front of this place. Scroll down and look at the line of stoves in the window. I'm in love! Want turquoise stove! Or the red one. Store was closed, though. Mean. But SO awesome! Just the window! Imagine if I'd gotten IN!

Okay, so here's a nephew anecdote. We were on our little hike around the lake, and I was babbling as usual. Saw a tree which had fallen over and said the whole if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? thing, and without a beat my five-year-old nephew said "duh… thud" in this indignant little voice. Such a cutie.

8) My parents have that antibiotic-resistant staph infection. They're actually getting boils. Of course they are. Sigh.

9) One of my sisters and one of my BILs are taking chemo right now (not married to each other). Neither have cancer (weirdly enough: I thought that's what chemo was for), but definitely have scary things they're fighting off. Sigh again.

10) My brother's dog got out of the yard and disappeared on Halloween, but was found at Animal Control a few days later. My brother had been calling them and they said that they had no dog matching Jasper's description and he finally went to verify in person and found him. Yay animal control! (dumbasses) But whatever, happy ending and all that. I'm very happy Jasper is home.

BBS. Out of things to write! :)

short

2007-10-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

I brought my computer to work today to entertain myself as I knew I was going to be working on these Illustrator files that make my work computer groan like a geriatric ghost. And good thing, actually, as I'm so annoyed by these gd files that I'm about to shoot myself. Totally not being princess-y, just headache-y.

That is all.

28 (30?) days later

2007-09-23T14:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a month since I've posted.

The past month has been… huge. I have a new job AND a new roommate. I know, right?

The new job is so big big big for me. It was my absolute best-case scenario, so I feel so (I hate this word, but it's true here) blessed. Happy happy. I love the projects and the people, so I have high hopes that I've finally found where I'm supposed to be working. Plus I don't have to sell my house and move to New York! Anyhoo, I have a three month contract to start, with going to staff after that if budgets look good. So even if they decide not to keep me I've got work until the new year. Why, though, wouldn't they want to keep me? :)

New roommate moved in last week. I like her very much, but I have gotten quite used to living alone and am having a hard time adjusting. It's also clear that I've gotten really damn finicky about my house and how I like to keep things, so her stuff is driving me crazy. Plus the poor girl sprained her ankle, totally sympathetic but an unfortunate side effect of that is that nothing has been put away or unpacked in over a week. The clutter's getting to me a bit. I'm trying real hard to chill the OCD a bit and I think I'm doing okay. Sometimes it's v. nice having someone around, so I need to focus on that.

Dating has come to a screeching halt. It's fine, though. I don't really feel like dealing with a guy right now. I know that's kinda bullshit, but it's somehow exactly how I feel. All of my new boys went away, and -- yay? -- I finally-fucking-finally got W out of my system. I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and things got physical (but I didn't sleep with him). And then… he totally blew me off. God, thinking about this makes me angry: maybe I didn't deal with this like I thought I did. I'm really just mad at myself, though, for being a total dumbass for falling for this shit again. Dude, I even gave him yet another (you have no idea) non-reciprocated (and I just LOVE to get them) back rub. Grrrr.

The plus side is that finally-fucking-finally all of my silly illusions about him just fell away at once. You know, like he really cared about me or that I was special to him. Blah di blah. He doesn't and I wasn't. And I don't care about him. Or I won't. Same fucking thing. I'd rather never get laid again than to settle, but… I'm missing my sexual peak, y'all. Sigh. When I finally find the right guy no one's gonna hear from me in months.

I don't settle, at least. People shake their heads at me and laugh at me for quitting jobs after nine days or, well, any of the other goofy stuff I do. I make my life harder than it needs to be, maybe, but that's okay. This job? I could have stayed there in February, but I needed to take the path that led back there again. It's been a fucking hard couple of months, and I learned some lessons I needed to learn. And I needed to walk away to choose to come back. And I appreciate it more. I appreciate THEM more. They may even appreciate ME more. We'll see. I'm happy and grateful, yo.

So, okay, I'm back writing. I'll be back soon. Seriously. I've missed y'all!

wah wah wah

2007-08-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

By the way, I know I'm wallowing in self-pity. I'm allowed. I have to be careful, though. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned to my sister on a Saturday night that I'd been a bit down lately, which she conveyed to my mom, which precipitated a call to me on a Sunday, etc. When I didn't answer immediately my mom left a series of frantic messages to my sisters, which in turn had both of them calling me… all in the two hours I was at Sunday brunch with friends and made a stop in TJ Maxx.

At least I feel safer about being found in a timely manner if eaten by large animals. What?

So, um, yay?

2007-08-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

So… My Grand Dating Experience is over. Oh: W never called me after Spain, which… I couldn't decide whether or not to see him, so that took care of that, so, um, yay? And, yeah, so: Skinny Dude dumped me tonight. Awesome! I mean, I've seen him maybe every two weeks, we're very very different, it's not a passionate thing: I got that; I just enjoying getting to know him even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere big and passionate. But he wasn't supposed to BREAK UP with ME. Just… really? Right now?

It's fine, really. I give up.

I read today (yeah, chick lit. bite me.) that there are two kinds of girls: those that eat when they're down and those that… don't. I am officially the eat-everything-not-tied-down type. And I can't. stop. eating. lately. But, you know, it's fine, it doesn't matter if I pork up, whatever. /Pity party

//I think I have some junk food in the kitchen: I shall investigate. Might as well enjoy the wallowing. (Off topic, musing) I really should go buy some ice cream: it's my favorite, and if I'm heading into my biennial junk food binge I should go all out.//

It's early for a midlife crisis, but, you know, I never adhere to a schedule. Sigh. I have no idea what to do next, job-wise. I need to put lots of thought into it. Boy-wise: honestly, right now I don't give a shit. I really… can't be bothered.

That sounds both douchebaggish and assholey, but I don't care.

I need to go somewhere. I need to escape.

I'm poor. Anyone got a beach house?

M: My email refers to the previous post! :)

2007-08-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, and the other thing…

I hurt somebody. I feel like shit.

It's good perspective for next time I'm hurt in a relationship. I guess. Suck.

So, same old story… this guy -- I like him a lot -- but he likes me more than I like him. Usually it's the other way with me, but still. Vaguely familiar.

I met him the night I broke up with W. G took me out, got me drunk as shit (that's a friend!) and we met this guy and hung out (until 3 or 4:00! On a Thursday!) late. So this guy… we went out a bit. I ended it because I thought he wanted more than I wanted to give, if you know what I mean. Plus I was much more upset about the breakup with W than I thought. I really wasn't ready for even rebound boy.

So I saw him a couple of weeks ago. He called out from his car going down Glenwood where I was crossing the street. He asked if he could call. I said yes.

We hung out a few times again. I was brutally honest, so I can take comfort in a clear conscience even though I decimated the guy. Yay me. Long story short, I ended it again. I feel so bad.

I'm still dating my skinny dude. Kinda. It's really… slow. I see him about every ten days so I forget in between if I like him or not. I like him as a friend a bunch, that's definite. The rest is TBD.

Bea is kneading my stomach and impeding my typing.

Anyway, this whole getting to know someone thing is very interesting. Much better, I think, than jumping in all cattywampus. Not that I wouldn't, just that I haven't. Good for now.

I have enough to figure out. I keep thinking I've gotten where I wanted to go and then I find out I haven't. It's so tiring. But exciting. Kinda. Mostly.

Kinda.

Bad day

2007-08-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

I want to go back to bed.

My sister's pregnancy isn't one anymore. She's having to have a D&C tomorrow. She found out just a bit ago.

Deadline at work on a RETARDED project kept me here until 9:00 last night. Got a call this morning at 8:45 wanting to know where I was. On my way to work, which… what do you think? Got here -- at 9:07 -- and found three people huddled around my desk because it couldn't just fucking wait. And I thought my CD's head was going to explode when I left for therapy. I explained that I didn't know yesterday about the crunch today, so I didn't reschedule. And I'd be glad to stay if the company wanted to pay the $100 for missing the appointment with less that 24 hours notice. And my therapist would make me pay it, too.

Anyway. I'm really disgruntled and bummed right now. And fat. I was sad, so I ate french fries for lunch. And a patty melt. And a diet coke, which absorbs calories. Heh.

Fat.

Sad.

Bed. Do Want.

:(

Another 25 things

2007-07-16T07:46:00.001-07:00

I decided to make another list. It's fun, and cuts out that whole need to be coherent.

1) I did nothing social this weekend. My house is really super clean now, though. ROCK.

2) I am really knocking things off my To-Do list now that my social life has come to a screeching halt. Why my social life has come to a screeching halt is a bit of a mystery. People are just… gone. On the other hand, a dead week for me is only seeing friends a couple times a week, which my friend M pointed out isn't actually bad. Still sulking though. It's different when you feel like your friends are ignoring you versus being new somewhere and still making 'em.

3) Got my hair cut. Love feeling less than disheveled. Can barely tell a difference, but feel better nonetheless.

4) Got the car washed and serviced last week. New headlight and windshield wipers, too. Whoo! Sucked that I had to get out of the house early on Saturday for my haircut and drive in the pouring rain (which would have been lovely at home with tea and a book) but, on the other hand, got to enjoy my new wipers. What? The other ones suuuuuucked.

5) Might be going to the beach this summer with my sisters and nephews, plus other family TBD. Trying to pull together a last-minute trip. That would be great.

6) Finished Books V and VI in preparation for Book VII this weekend (do I really need to clarify Harry Potter?). Am SO excited and am SO looking forward to it. Probably will have no shortage of social activities as soon as all I want to do is stay home and read.

7) Bought a second copy of Book VII for my mom. She sounded sad about having to wait to read it, which, hell no, mommy. I'm on it. :)

8) Saw the HP movie last week. Was disturbed that I spent a chunk of the movie thinking that Harry's quite a hottie, especially after reading a NY Times.com interactive feature yesterday which started by showing the first movie and talking about how vulnerable and young they were, which, yikes… so little and cute. So, I was lusting (kinda) for a boy who literally a boy in 2001. Perv.

9) Speaking of hot, while I am quite annoyed by all the recent Posh-Becks-in-California mania; however, I have added David Beckham to that other To-Do list. Damn, he's hot. Everytime I see him I get momentarily dreamy. Yum.

10) OH! HEE! That job that sucked donkey balls? They've closed their doors. I'm sorry for my buddies who have been there years and are trying to scramble now, but the owners can suck it.

11) Am still dating. Weirdness. Yeah, I am avoiding talking about it. I have my reasons.

12) Lots of rain lately, which is needed, appreciated and enjoyed. It cooled everything off enough that I had my windows open most of the weekend. Nice.

13) Cleaned out my laundry room this weekend. Got it mopped, rearranged and reorganized. Have been wanting to get the cat boxes out of my office, so am now trying 'em in the laundry room. Seems really nice so far.

14) I hope I'll use my office more now that I have the cat boxes out of it. Have so much work I want to do and want to make that space a real magnet for creativity. Plan is that it's a carrot-versus-stick-approach to getting my ass off of the couch already.

15) Oh, forgot to mention that I saw Harry Potter at the Drive-In (not the Drive-Through, which is what I kept saying possibly annoying my date). Anyway, the Drive-In rocks so hard. I really wish I had known to go when I was still smoking 'cause I would have loved smoking through the movie. Need a comfy chair, a nice sound system and a picnic and will be all set. Plus, it's only a mile from my house so why I haven't gone before is beyond me.

16) Last week at work was crazed. Am not doing any work this morning in retribution. Well, in laziness. Takes a while to ramp up after the weekend.

Okay, I was going for 25 but am stuck right this minute. To be continued…

:)

This just in…

2007-07-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I had an erotic dream about Stephen Colbert.

This seems like a bad thing. Is this a Bad Thing?

Oh, golly.

pissy and pitiful

2007-07-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am totally not in the mood to cook, but I've got a gazillion dollars in produce in there from my trip to the Farmer's Market. (I should add that thought to my mental list I keep making on thoughts/ideas that need words (the opposite of giving a definition?). Produce-going-bad-guilt? Maybe that should be… defreshguilt? I dunno.) SO much food that needs to be cooked. What the fuck was I thinking?

Ramble, ramble. I am SO tired. And I did nothing at work, nothing. Okay, a thirty minute meeting on tchotchkes for an employee gift to celebrate (I kid you not) a bedding collection (a… booklight! an… aromatherapy candle!) for a hotel chain. And then an image search — stock, now — of a model in bra and panties (it's lingerie) in her twenties. Who looks [nationality]. Who is smiling or laughing or in some way looking sweet, mischievous and playful. Sexy… but not slutty! And blonde! And… have to see the product. Oi vey.

I sound like an old Jewish lady tonight.

Anyway, that's all I did. Oh, also tried to refute a really bad client idea (this client takes EVERYTHING to focus group. I've heard of design by committee and I've seen that (the CEO's wife doesn't like green! the author's wife is a designer and has sent over HER version of the cover! everything damn thing ever at the Large Beverage Company!) but never design by focus group. Horrifying: the group likes the imagery style from Group D, the color palette from Group B, and *god* so on. It's blowing me away. Then have to work with our sweet-useless-perfectly-groomed-lady-of-a-certain-age of an account executive… who, y'all… she comes to US to ask about deadlines. My coworker and I look at each other in bewilderment before saying things like "but she's the one talking to the client. Isn't that HER job?!".

But, yeah, actual design work? Not so much. Lots of time sulking about not having plans for the 4th. Which… why the fuck do I not know of any parties? I got nothin'.

I feel very low and friendless. And it SUCKS being single on holidays. Geez, fuck, every damn friend I have here has a boyfriend but me — seriously — and they all have fun plans and the rest I haven't heard from. This is a full on temper tantrum, bitches! Bitch. Moan. Whine, whine, whine. I know I sound pitiful, but I'm not only pitiful — I'm also pissy. And pissy about being so pitiful. Dude.

And I have to image search chicks in bras. Skinny girls! And I pulled out my fat clothes yesterday! *flinging self across bed and punching pillow*

Whaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Okay, I'm done with the whining. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go fry some vegetables.

Maybe I'll drink a glass of wine, too.

(Oh, and my tooth hurts. Amd still doing freelance; meeting about it tomorrow. H is going to make me get on top of my house (long story). I have another ant infestation and it's making me kind of nuts. Anyway.)

xo
s

A List of 25 Things

2007-06-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

Okay. Here is my life right now, in a list.

1. I just had a filling replaced this morning. My tooth, now that the novocaine is wearing off, hurts like a bitch.

2. I am in a lull at work, so I am busy reading, among other things, reviews of the iPhone.

3. I want an iPhone SO DAMN BAD.

4. Seriously. SO DAMN BAD. It's actually not a trendy thing, more the opposite: I'd actually be embarrassed and feel judged by others if I got a $600 phone. I just find myself using Cute Overload language when I see one, thinking how prosh it is and how I want to give it soft kronsches. Basically, I just think I need one. I really do.

I could hide it from people.

5. I am confused about dating. I am confused about when you like somebody. I am confused about the crazy things I do when dating. Sometimes I really miss being married.

6. I don't miss being married when I think that I would have let H get an iPhone and I would have waited, because I was a fucking gadget doormat.

7. I just mailed a check with the last payment for my car. No car payments, yay!

8. I fear that my car will die or be murdered as soon as the check clears.

9. I put off mailing that last check as I am superstitious about my poor future dead car.

10. It's bloody hot.

11. I need to garden badly, but it's bloody hot.

12. I have to finish this #$*&@ freelance project. I want it done REALLY BAD.

13. Oh! Oh! The freelance money was earmarked for landscaping. Could be it be used instead for.... an iPhone?

14. There are babies everywhere. I met a baby this weekend named Merlin, which is wrong on many levels.

15. My friend at work who is pregnant is constantly eating, which is making me eat constantly. She hasn't gained any weight, but I have. That ain't right.

16. I've gained SO MUCH WEIGHT.

17. My CD is going to be off all next week. Woot.

18. I have no plans yet for the 4th. Someone, please have a BBQ and invite me.

19. Swimming would be fun, too, but I'm not picky.

20. I have the opportunity to go contra dancing this Friday. No, it has nothing to do with Nicaragua. I had to wikipedia it myself. But I was invited by a boy. Who wants to do this voluntarily. Freakish.

21. Yeah, I'm not as interested in the boy I'm dating. Don't know, just not smitten. See #5.

22. Other boy leaving the country. Very grateful. But hung out all innocent-like on Sunday and he wasn't exactly oozing with charm, so feel better about all that in general.

23. My gutters are full. Must find someone who will clean them soon or must do myself. That, however, would involve ME and a LADDER, which is frightening on many levels.

24. Am trying to decide whether to buy my Harry Potter book (WHOO!) online or pick up at the store that Friday midnight. Am afraid of some asshole yelling spoilers like that youtube video from last time. I'd be crushed. Also, though, don't wanna be freaking out at the mailman again like last time. Feel dumb that this issue is a concern, but IT IS.

and to wrap it up,

25. I need a vacation, involving a beach, some books and some fruity beverages with umbrellas. Sigh.

Back in town

2007-06-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

Went to see my family this weekend. Very short visit so I'm pretty pooped. Just cracked a ginormous yawn while writing that. So sleeeeeepy. So looking forward to going to bed early tonight. I'm old.

Um. I'm sure I have fascinating topics to write about.

Or not.

I was trying killing time until I could go home and thought that updating Ye Olde Blogge would kill some time, but did not factor in the lack of functional intelligence and/or willpower to update.

Well, fuck. Check back soon. I will work on me getting more smarter.

I'm just sayin'

2007-06-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

heeeeys! evrybunny! go baaack!
it be hewgest inocent luking trapz evah!!
dey plans to enslaves us awl!
orld dominashun almost cumpleet!
haaalp!!!

kthxbai.

Tired old ass

2007-06-11T15:12:00.001-07:00

Sorry I've been gone so long. I had a blog meltdown. You know, why the hell am I doing this/why did I write that/blah blah blah? Ad nauseum, ad nauseum. Anyway, I'm writing now because I feel like it for the first time in a while. Of course this is while I'm supposed to be doing freelance, so I'm being bad while I'm being good. Sounds about right, eh?

I've been doing okay. I had a big my-fat-ass-on-the-couch period this weekend. From Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon I did nothing except eat, read, and watch TV. Oh, and nap. I'm ashamed of myself. In my defense, I went out or did freelance every night last week. Friday alone involved Mary's and nearly a six-pack just my own little (ha) self. Plus I was crampy and was adjusting my new anti-anxiety meds all weekend, so it was not THAT bad that I did nothing. Except that it made me feel like shit.

I've also seen three movies in eight days. Quite impressive, especially as I think I matched the number of movies I saw in all of 2006. Waitress was pretty good, a little cute for my taste. I loved Knocked Up. And Oceans' Thirteen was fine: what you'd expect, funny quips and totally unfollowable, or least more fun if you quit trying. It was at a theater where you can order food and beer during the movie. I had never done that. Think I prefer dinner before or after the movie, but it was interesting.

BTW, it's pouring outside right now. I hope it's raining this hard at my house. You wouldn't believe how often I've driven home in the rain to find not a drop has fallen at my house. It's quite confusing and makes my garden, such as it is this year, sad.

I'm seeing two bands this week: tomorrow is Great Lake Swimmers and Wednesday is the National, both at the Earl. I'm going to wear my tired old ass out. But, yay!

I gotta get on this freelance crap now. I am so ready for this damn project to be over.

More suckage.

2007-05-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

I totally danced my ass off tonight. It was awesome. Amazing (!) music and I actually managed to get lost in the moment, which is really hard for me.

So, OF COURSE I just started worrying about what if I looked dorky when I danced? What if maybe someone was making fun of me?

Dude, what's that about? I make me sad.

My big fucking mouth

2007-04-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

I took the blog down for a couple of days until I could get around to editing it.

I realized that I had done something wrong, and I was ashamed of myself.

It took sending the link to this website to someone in anger to really realize what I was doing in writing about a private relationship here. If the tables had been turned, and I found out someone had been writing personal stuff about me to their friends, well... I'd be pissed. It was a fucked up thing to do. I really didn't think about it like that until I had busted myself. And that's what I did. I made a drunken grand gesture instead of having a discussion with the person like a normal *ahem* sane person. I was hurt and angry and lashed out. That's not the kind of person I want to be.

So... I've edited this thing down. My goal now is to keep my fucking mouth shut about anything I'd be embarrassed about if the person involved read it. I may still go back and remove all references to jobs and work: I need to think about that. In any case, I've learned a lesson, and it fucking hurt.

I'm realizing that I've been a mess lately. The job shit. The breakup. The surprise that the breakup was hard. I'm going to do what I did this time last year: I'm going to spend some quiet time working on the house and the yard, and quit spending every damn night eating out and drinking. And alsolutely fucking-tively not hitting 'send' on anything while impaired in any way, which in retrospect should have been obvious. I mean, FUCK.

Okay, changing topics.

So this weekend I'm going to paint my dining room. I'm going to stop obsessing AND procrastinating and just buy the fucking paint. I'm starting with the dining room as it's the smallest and I am, after all, lazy. I'm hoping it will look so great that it will make the other rooms look like shit and motivate me to do those, too.

I just stared at the screen for a couple of minutes and realized that I'm not in the mood to write more. More introspection, less blathering. I think I really feel burned on this blog thing. I need to take some time to get my head around it. Among other things.

Single. And stuff.

2007-03-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

(Long self-indulgent bullshit post deleted)

Yeah, I was drunk. I'll shut up now.

Shut up, but…

2007-03-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

I hate Melinda Doolittle and her giant smarmy head.

I'm sorry. I just do.

Yes, I'm ashamed. Of not only knowing who she is, but caring.

But... that head, y'all.

catching up, caffeinated

2007-03-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

I'm at Inman Perk. Needed to do some writing and do much better when I'm away from distractions at home.

(edited)

And I'm happy to be sitting outside and writing.

I'm happy that new little ganglion on my pinky finger that was making my hand go numb has magically disappeared.

I'm happy I have a check I haven't deposited.

I'm happy everything is blooming. I don't even mind the plant sex on everything.

In related gratefulness, I'm happy I don't have allergies.

I'm happy that I'm learning how to (or trying to) be happy instead of waiting to have it smacked away. Be grateful, dammit!

I'm happy you're reading. Thanks for stopping by. I'm happy to see you. And you look really nice today. That shirt looks great with your eyes.

xoxo
s

Margaritas and stuff

2007-03-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Just had margaritas with H. Am blessedly tipsy, which... am I an alcoholic? 'Cause I can DRINK these days. And we were gonna go when he finished work, and he was late and I was all WHERE the fuck is this guy: I need a drink, dammit. To be fair, it was 8:15 when he came over, which stretches the idea of after work to its limits. Happy happy, though.

FYI: for the locals, Cantina has lost its liquor license or something: wasn't serving in any case (which found out and swiveled right on out the door), so ended up at Blue Frog (where Heaping Bowl used to be) which is not the same at all. Hope they get THAT straightened out.

(edited)

Update and coffee

2007-03-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

(Posting from a coffee place during lunch to get out of the office and Big Brother web access)

So I totally made a mistake. Very little doubt in my mind. Also, very little IN my mind these days, so trying to be positive and give it a chance. But I think I screwed up.

I might come around. That and shame about bailing so soon are the only things keeping me from calling the other job and begging for them to give me back my job I gave up before I started. I just think about the other place all the time, and about the people there and feel guilty and sad.

I really REALLY have to stick it out.

Part of me is all, I know the job I took is not a good fit. This job is simply NOT ME. Simple, right? So I should leave before they sink more money and time into me, which is what what my hairstylist recommended. (What? She's a business owner.) Other people tell me I can't possibly know yet, to which I disagree: I totally can. I've realized I've made a mistake this early before and I've never been wrong on that one yet, or least I've never had that feeling and been proven wrong (which could be self-sabotaging in such a situation, I realize). In any case, part of me totally wants to bail.

I'm not going to bail yet, though, and this is why: no one would agree I've given them a fair shake. Especially my employers, which... they'd be right, technically. I know I'm a freak about the right work environment and picky as shit, which I totally realize about myself, so I know that I'd know, but they couldn't know that I'd know. (Yeah, I know that didn't really make sense.) Just: I know I have about zero tolerance for doing the wrong work or doing the right work poorly... so I do know.

Anyway. I have to give them a month, minimum. (Right?) Maybe I will like it. I'd love to be wrong on this, seriously. It'd be so much easier to keep my ass in one place. Not the least of which being that I've done this once before (quit after a month) to these exact same headhunters, though that was in 2000.

If it does play out like this I just have to hope the other place will still need and/or want me. I'm so bummed: I was thisclose to getting my shit together and blew it.

Gotta go back to the office. I was hoping when I said that I'd be happy. Damn it, me.

boo!

2007-02-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

Yeah, okay, I disappeared again.

I'm so ready for spring right now. I've been hibernating: staying warm and staying home. But I'm getting ready to start a new job (one way or another: that's a long story still evolving), I'm making big changes in my life... some already, some just not yet.

I mean, I quit smoking. Quit any kind of smoking, wink wink. Gained about ten pounds, I think. Gonna work on that. Otherwise, I'm on hold, which I really try to avoid, but that's that. I'm talking in circles, sorry.

I'm sulking tonight. Didn't hear from a couple of people I expected to hear from, and am now watching the Grammys, which... eh. I usually don't watch this crap: anything I need to see will show up on YouTube eventually. How did we live before YouTube?

Oh, look... Prince. He looks good. Oh, he's introducing Beyonce. I'd a zillion times more rather watch Prince.

Anyway. Bored. Lonely, honestly. Stressed out. So here I am.

Hey!

Tuesday. Yay.

2006-11-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

My cats are driving me nuts. Right now Sammy is on my lap licking one of my hands so I have to type one-handed. Now... if I was working I'd push him off — but it hardly seems warranted for more effective blogging. He's so sweet, but, damn... if I wanted a super-needy little creature I'd get a dog. Or have a baby.

Bea, too. Earlier I had to battle it out with her to stop head-butting my screen. Before that, I fought with her to stay off the kitchen counter, and before that, out of the plants. You'd think my being home so much would lead to less attention-hungry cats, but it seems the opposite is true.

If I put up a Christmas tree I might have to shoot a cat.

In other news, I've contacted a few more people about work, done some more name change stuff, some laundry and some organizational stuff. Bo-ring.

I do have an interview tomorrow. Wish me luck. Then therapy, then on Thursday I'm attending the Thanksgiving Feast at my old job. Not the most recent job, obviously.

Still looking for a roomie, damn.

Saw Marie Antoinette this weekend. Purty. Shallow, but very lovely. Like some rococo acid trip.

Um, that's all. Kisses!

More bored

2006-11-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

L left the rest of her bottle of wine here the other night. I had pasta tonight, and thought... hey, wine!

Then I had a bottle of Bailey's here from the brownies I made, and I thought... hey, I'll have some of that Bailey's! It's just like dessert!

Well, now I'm watching the last part of the Greatest Songs of the 80s on VH1. What a fabulous show! Like, the best ever!

Maybe it's the booze.

Probably why I avoid drinking at home.

Details of the Bored

2006-11-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

What I did today:

1) Woke up to an ant infestation emanating from a plant I brought in the other day (um, how do you get ants out of a potted plant?) and leading straight to the cat food bowl, which explains why the cats were frantically trying to wake me up ("MeOW!"). Waged a little genocide before breakfast with Clorox Clean-Up, which I've found from prior experience is a really excellent ant killer should you ever find yourself without any Raid. Drowned the rest of the motherfuckers.

2) Voted.

3) Went to the DMV, or as it's now known in Georgia: the DDS (which: annoying), to change my name (yay!) and address (about two and a half years late). Didn't expect they'd take my picture as they didn't last address change... so OF COURSE they did. No makeup, Brooklyn t-shirt and raincoat. Stylin'!

4) Looked at job boards. Cussed.

5) Wrote an email.

6) Talked to my sister, who locked herself in her room to talk to me without interruptions from my increasingly-frantic-from-being-ignored nephews. We talked until my youngest nephew started slipping notes under the door, which... hee. Especially as he is in preschool and can't write yet. I imagine the note going: M-O-M. T-R-G-S-F-M-E-P. T-R-A-C-E.

7) Talked to H, who had dental surgery today. Like $9000 worth. His problems come from knocking his teeth out in a motorcycle accident when he was 16, but even so: brush and floss, bitches. $9000? Ouch. And I was bitching about paying $250 after insurance for my gum treatment this past summer.

Um, that's really it. I am THAT boring.

checking in

2006-11-01T08:44:00.000-08:00

It's been noted by my reader (singular) that I'm not blogging. Well, that's mostly true: I've been writing, but not posting. I know, right? But everything I've written has been so maudlin and self-pitying.

Unemployment sucks, and I'm working through it at the speed of sloth. Had two interviews last week that I thought went well -- they asked salary ranges, both of 'em -- but I haven't heard shit from either this week. So I'm loitering by the computer hitting 'Get mail' frequently, and jumping every time my cell phone rings between the hours of 9:00 and 6:00, which is not doing me a bit of good. I know it can take weeks even after you get the nibble, so I need to calm the fuck down.

I just need to work again. Amazing, it's the bane of your existence until it ain't there anymore. Meetings! Conference calls! Business trips! Deadlines! Presentations! Revisions!

Remind me of this when I'm working again.

It's beautiful outside and I think I need to take advantage of it. Hopefully I'll be stuck in an office very soon and moaning that I didn't take advantage of not working. One can only hope. :)

I am a stereotype.

2006-10-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am blogging in a coffee shop. Dude. See how I've sunk?

Anyway.

Um, hello, everybody!

I've actually written several posts in the last months, but they are parked in the 'drafts' folder, waiting for the bitterness to dissipate. Might be good to leave 'em there.

So, I'm leaving out where I've been. I'm just not up to writing a dissertation, and the longer I wait, the more I ain't writing. So, I'm just going to start up writing again.

Brief synopsis:
1) Freelancing.
2) Working on new portfolio, which is moving along.
3) Need to do website. Yuck.
4) Not starving. YET.
5) Still dating W (still don't like use of 'W' due to negative connotations, will think of clever(ish) nickname).

It's Friday the 13th, and like I said, I'm in a coffee shop. To be precise, Joe's in EAV. Had to get out of the house as it makes me crazy being home so much, plus the cats are now *extra* needy. Who'd think being home lots would make them needier? Cats: don't try to get in their little walnut-sized brains.

Have nothing definite planned this weekend. Lakewood and brunch is a possibility. Football at the GPs is a possibility (only they could get me over for football). There's a corn maze tomorrow (seriously), which I'm really not sure about. I love the hostess, but am not sure about the corn maze. Dunno. Odd weekend.

Okay, I have to go. Am seriously embarrassed to be blogging in a coffee shop.

Home

2006-08-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am back from London. Had a great time, despite 1) being sick and 2) Delta losing my suitcase for four days.

M and I had a fabulous time together and she is the best hostess one could hope for. We went all over town. We got caught up with each other's lives. It was good to just spend time with each other and know that we're still really good friends.

I am tired, though, as travelling internationally is a damn endurance race. I have no idea how people can do that regularly for work. But maybe the UK to US route is just especially crazy right now, but no matter... the procedures for getting back in the country are retarded. By the time I got to Hartsfield yesterday I had been travelling for fifteen hours. It shouldn't then take over two hours to get out of the airport. That's just mean. You gotta go through immigration. No biggie. But then you have to wait thirty minutes for your suitcase to come off the baggage claim to take it through customs just to check it back in. Go through security again (after going through security twice already that day), take the train to baggage claim and wait another thirty minutes for your bag again. Arrgggh.

Anyway, I was so happy to see my kitties last night. And it was nice to be home.

Bored

2006-08-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

I'm writing mainly because I'm bored as shit. I've done everything I need to here at work.

I'm suddenly fighting a cold, which, what? Where the hell did this come from? Fine one day and all sniffy and sneezy the next? Sucktastic! I can only hope it's gone before my trip. I've slammed some Zicam, which I hope heads it off.

I'm retardedly stressed about going on my trip. Like, really hung up on not taking too big a bag. Or the should-I-take-my-laptop? decision. I'm such a dork. I'm also worried about not being in the mood to figure out what I want to do when I'm there. Like, why am I not working up itineraries? (Note that I'm worried about not wanting to do something) I think it's because this trip isn't about sightseeing, it's about seeing M. I miss her! Plus, if I have a ton of things I want to do it will be a chore and not fun, plus it'd be a disappointment if I didn't do them. Right now I have a short list of four things to go see, which I think is plenty. Whatever. I think I'll get more revved up once I'm on my way and am past my planning phobia. But, seriously... I am old before my time.

This weekend was exhausting. I was just worn out. Was out late Friday — I can always rationalize staying out later than I should even knowing I'll pay for it later. And pay I did: I got four hours sleep and drove three and a half hours (in the rain) to find out my sister had moved my nephew's birthday party to that day instead of Sunday. So I spent all afternoon and evening with all my nephews and thought I was going to die by the end of it. I love them dearly, but, damn, they're exhausting. Anyway, I had had all good intention to call J and meet up with him, but I totally wussed out and crashed. (Sorry, darlin'. I suck.)

Sunday I headed back to my sister's house to set up for the shower. Had the shower, which was a bit of a disappointment — it just wasn't as fun as I'd hoped. Then my grandma fainted and fell down, scaring the fuck out of us and precipitating a trip to the hospital. I helped my sister clean up and stayed with the straggling guests before heading over to the hospital ourselves. I wanted to wait to see what the doctor said about Nanny before leaving, but I finally gave up around 8:45 and left. My poor mom stayed with Nanny all night and then went to work. She's a badass.

Nanny, by the way, is doing fine. They released her from the hospital today.

Whoo! It's after 5:00 now. Long-ass day. Can't wait to go home. Later.

they killed the meerkats!

2006-08-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

Arrrrggggh!

That's SO sad.

And what shitty parents: "The girl had to work to get her hand inside the enclosure. Zoo officials said she must have crawled over a driftwood barrier, climbed up more than 3 feet of artificial rock and reached over 4 feet of Plexiglas to get her arm into the exhibit."

First of all, if I had a kid, they wouldn't be climbing over any fucking enclosures at the zoo. Secondly, let's say my kid managed somehow to do such a thing without me seeing, say, on a school trip or something... well, my 9-year-old child should bloody well know better. My kid would SO be getting the rabies shots to teach some fucking personal responsibiltiy. I cannot BELIEVE the parents had the meerkat family put down. They had the meerkat BABIES put to sleep.

Okay, I know I'm a little nuts on the meerkat thing. I'm slightly, well, obsessed with them. And it predates the Lion King (which, apparently, is the only thing people know about meerkats and I couldn't even tell the damn character was supposed to BE a meerkat) and Meerkat Manor, OKAY? But... how could you kill this?

People suck.

(ETA: total inadvertent juxtaposition with the Plate o' Meat.)

hangovers and BBQs

2006-08-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

I had a nice weekend. It would have been better had I not had so much to drink Saturday that I was utterly miserable on Sunday. But, hey... Saturday was fun. Sunday, actually, was fun, too.

Saturday went out with W (might as well start using the boy's initial: W makes me think Dubya, though, but I'll have to get over that) and hung out with some of my friends, then we all met up with some of his friends. Everyone seems to get along well, which is great. Anyway, after that we left the bar and went over to his friend's apartment. None of my friends went, and they were totally miserable on Sunday so that should tell you how wrecked I was with my added socializing. We were up until at least 6 or so. I'm totally too old for this.

Anyway.

Then we had a BBQ yesterday. Same friends, mostly. All of us who hung out Saturday were rather subdued from our hangovers, but we had fun. I didn't drink yesterday, which actually might have helped... but I just couldn't. Bleh. Not even the large hunks of meat helped. And, y'all, these are the leftovers:

I'm looking forward to my trips coming up, but quite aware of not being around four out of the next five weekends. I'm tired thinking about it. This coming weekend my sisters and I are throwing a shower for my future SIL. I'm looking forward to it — it will be nice to see my extended family and get to know some of my SIL's family before the wedding — I just wish there wasn't a drive involved.

Yes, I'm just that lazy.

Sad news

2006-08-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

Back at my old job, people could bring their dogs to work. It was really great to have the dogs there, even if sometimes it got a little loud. Whatever. Point is, I loved the dogs. Anyway, got an email this morning from a friend at the old job that one of the dogs got hit by a car last night and killed. Her owner broke her arm while trying to save her dog. I don't have any details of what happened, but it hasn't stopped me thinking about it.

It really crushed me, this news. The dog's owner and I aren't tight, but I'm devastated for her. I can't even imagine how she feels right now. She had a great relationship with her dog and took her everywhere.

Her dog was a cutie. I really liked her. I'm not wild about little dogs — and this one was a Pom, so... little — but I always thought she was a big dog in a little dog's body. She'd always do her funny little hop onto the couch whenever anyone would meet in the lounge. Sometimes she'd even come up to me in my cube and want to sit in my lap while I worked. So sad about her. So sad.

Rest in peace, puppy dog.

Just bitchin'

2006-07-31T08:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, I want to bitch about work.

I just made a big production of how I'm afraid of being dooced and how I delete all my bitching so it won't get me in trouble. So either I try to be more circumspect or I just come back and delete the post later.

ANYWAY.

Long story short, [edited 8/2: BLAH BLAH BLAH. BLAH BLAH. BLAH BLAH BLAH.]

Okay, trying to not be annoyed. Deep breaths.

I'll write about my weekend when I come back to delete this post. Later.

[8/2: Yes, I pussed out. Later.]

Got no title

2006-07-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

Went to dinner last night with friends, and managed to make an ass of myself in making a friend's problems all about meeeeee. I suck. Also in trying to explain my boy situation I said that I hadn't been in a relationship for a while, which, heh, the minute THAT came out got a smackdown with a "except your marriage?" — which, of course, was a "Stupid? Party of One" moment. I meant a new relationship, but when you're technically married AND dating someone sounds pretty damn stupid.

Other teeny bits of topics:

Enjoyed Project Runway last night, but am bewildered by the fact that Angela is still around. Seriously??

Arlis the Lawn Guy ROCKS. Came home yesterday to a fabulous looking yard. Even got all the crap off the driveway and patio. Arlis the Lawn Guy, marry me.

Class tonight. Am over it.

Have eaten lots of bad bad food for days. Must start back with good eating program. Maybe just regard this week as an aberration so as not to beat myself up.

Should start using pronouns again as... (ahem) I am starting to sound like Bridget Jones. Dear god.

I have a conference call in ten minutes so I'm gonna run. Later.

monday monday

2006-07-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

Much better now, thank-you. :)

I've been sick, which I realized Friday morning. Amazing how I can just ignore feeling like shit until suddenly I realize with surprise, hey, I think I'm sick. Went to the doctor Friday and am now on antibiotics for a bladder infection, and, um, an ear infection. Odd combo, eh? I think the ear infection is from the beach, actually. But I'm slowly feeling better. Went to bed last night at 9:30, which actually did wonders this morning. Sleep: don't underestimate it!

Got here at work early (well, on time, which is pretty much the same thing) as my boss wanted to rush something out, but apparently he forgot as he didn't actually have ready what he was supposed to have ready. Worked out fine, though, as I got the reply cards printed for J&G's wedding. Finished the invites this weekend (big fucking WHOO!) so once I crop out the reply cards tonight and get in the mail I'm all done. YAY!

Met with the divorce lawyer Saturday, so now that's underway. Fee seems totally reasonable, but even so paying half upfront was a bit painful. But I'm happy that I've gotten started.

I tried to mow my grass this weekend but my shitty electric mower literally couldn't get through it. I must have looked pitiful as my neighbor came over to ask if I wanted the number of her lawn guy. I definitely did, so Arlis the lawn guy is coming in the morning. Wish I didn't have to spend that money on something I (theoretically) could do myself, but at this point I'm just happy to get rid of my raging case of ghetto lawn.

Hung out Friday with G. Went to our friend's pad in a Midtown high-rise and hung out on her balcony, which totally felt like I was out of town. You're never up high in Atlanta, or at least I'm never up high in Atlanta. Was lots of fun, except I felt like shit. Literally had to lay down for a minute or two at one point, even though I (unsuccessfully) tried to play it off.

Edit on 7/27/06: Just came in and took out some bitching I'd written. Doing that more and more: I get all honest and overshare here on Ye Olde Blogge, and then think through what I've written and decide it could get me Dooced. So, really, checking here more frequently might get a more honest picture, all three of you.

Invites, podcasts, sutures, work and class

2006-07-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

Just got my latest set of stitches removed. Whoo! Of course, I waited half an hour for a one-minute procedure, but it could have been worse and I'm grateful it wasn't.

Class tonight, for which I am again unprepared as I apparently can't form coherent thoughts long enough to actually prepare a lecture. I think I'm too big a spaz to actually teach, at least in any organized manner. It doesn't help that my anticipated lazy summer has been anything but. In any case, I'm getting to the point where I remembered why I gave up teaching to begin with, and it will take at least a year or so to forget again and want to do it. Must put reasons in writing this time. :)

Back to work. Have a very difficult project I'm working on, and it's got me pretty stumped, which is scary. The good part of finally having experience (almost ten years as a working designer!) under my belt that these scary-don't-know-what-to-do moments don't happen as often. Doesn't help much, though, when you're in one.

Still comping invites, which need to really push through now. I got a bit of a reprive when my future SIL was herself a bit behind in addressing envelopes, but I'm burning through my extra time fast. (G&J: you guys better let me know if the envelopes are done and you're waiting on me. Won't make y'all late even if I have to pull an all-nighter to finish.)

Can't procrastinate further on the difficult work project. Think I need to get out my sketchpad. Oh, I can listen to Tim's podcast about last night's Project Runway while I'm working. Fabulous!

Back from the beach

2006-07-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

I am so tired, but I had a fabulous time.

(I took down the pics of my nephews. Decided maybe I shouldn't post them as they're not MY kids. Also, want to bitch a bit in my next entry and felt that that was not a good idea juxtaposed to such adorableness.)

It was a blast.

I need to rest now.

Easily amused

2006-06-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

From comments regarding an article about dating and pets that was in the AJC:

By LahLah
June 30, 2006 08:34 AM | Link to this
I have a goldfish named Dorothy and if anything ever happened to her, I don’t know what I would do!

OK. I am JUST playing……

Seriously, when I was married we had a turtle, guinea pig and a dog. Oh and my husband had two kids before we got married so lets calculate shall we…… 2 adults, 4 children and 3 pets. After the divorce I took my two children and got the hell out of that zoo!!!! (only thing I miss are my step-babies).

Pets are cute. But I choose not to have any. I think about getting one of those little toy dogs that only weight’s 3lbs full grown but I would probably end up stepping on it in the middle of the night or something. Also, I’m not cleaning up after no shiddy azz animal. That was not God’s plan for my life. If I meet someone who has pets that’s ok, as long as he doesn’t expect the dog to sleep with us or eat at the dinner table or go every where with us or for me to have a relationship with it or take it for walks, walk behind him and be it’s personal pooper scooper. So as long as he isn’t obsessed with the animal and dosen’t have animal hair all over his kitchen counters and stuff like that, it will be alright.

I love this line:
Also, I’m not cleaning up after no shiddy azz animal. That was not God’s plan for my life.

BWAH

Now I've done it

2006-06-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Just got back from the dentist. I've had puffy gums for a while, and now I've… suddenly moved into gum disease. Um, yay.

I have to go back to get my teeth cleaned and scraped under the gumline, which requires numbing. It'll be two visits, half a mouth a visit, and a couple hundred bucks even with insurance. This is to hopefully hold off the periodontist.

While it's been caught pretty early, there's already damage and a line I've crossed, as in the gums aren't coming back, and I'm heading in a direction that ends up in losing teeth.

The cause? Genetics… and smoking. And not flossing enough. So, two out of three? MY FAULT. It's a sign that the smoking has to go. I have to stop it. Not in the distant future... SOON.

My parents have had teeth pulled from shit like this, and I do NOT want to go there. This really upsets me.

I've been annoyed with myself for my diet lately. And now I think this is a sign that a lot of things have to change about the way I take care of myself.

Sigh. I'm so bummed. This was avoidable.

Let this be a lesson learned, kiddies. Floss every day (which I now have to do, seriously).

Two kinds of cute

2006-06-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

Love this kid.

And I've watched this video like 10 times this week. It makes me feel better. In other news, I figured out how to link videos!

Boring

2006-06-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

Oh, my god... was this weekend boring. Kept my knee extended like a good girl, which meant I was on the couch most of the weekend. Even my lovely junk tv got old after a while. Let's see: I watched about five episodes of ANTM (there was a 'cycle' (bleh) 2 (the Yoanna/Mercedes/Shandi season) marathon on VH1 that I had DVRd). I watched an old Grey's Anatomy, a couple of TLC shows (the 627-pound woman!!) and, to my utter shame, the new Behind the Music for Nick Lachey. Dude.

Yes, I was desperate.

I also watched Iran v Mexico in the World Cup. I really love the World Cup: it's so exciting. And I have to again bring up my appreciation for fütbol hotties. Damn, y'all. It's the World Cup for hot boys too. Watch it and see, y'all. Tasty!

I just spent ten minutes trying to find the boy on the Iranian team I was crushing on, but I couldn't find a picture. I was cheering for Mexico, but hot boys transcend boundaries, yo.

I think I gained ten pounds back this weekend. I found my food trigger: boredom.

I did have stuff I could have done, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself I couldn't actually handle being good and getting work done.

Sigh. I suck!

Pity party

2006-06-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, more details. Pretend you care.

Was outside on a smoke break, sitting on this high curb. I tried to stand up, turn and hop up on the curb in one motion, but I caught my foot and slammed knee first into the sidewalk instead.

Five stitches, bitches!

I'm very talented.

Actually, at first I thought it was just a normal skinned knee. And then I saw the skin rolled up like a shade, which, uhhhhhh. I'm not squeamish usually, but that freaked me out. Luckily my co-workers were all, um, yeah, that needs stitches, which I'm not sure I would have figured out immediately. So my boss took me to the Piedmont Emergency Walk-In Clinic, I waited an hour and a half and then the nice doctor cleaned and stitched it. Ow. Ow. Ow.

So, this adds a smoking injury to my List of Ridiculous Injuries. So for those of you keeping track, I now have:

1) Dislocated my knee in a mosh pit.
2) Tripped in a patch of mud and slammed into a car shoulder-first while Easter Egg hunting. And, no, not as a kid: I think was 23 or 24.
3) Tripped over a rail on a Putt-Putt course and landed on my upper arm on the other rail. Miraculously didn't break it, but it was seriously bruised as hell.
4) Dislocated my knee getting off the Cyclone at Coney Island.
5) Cut off a little piece o' finger in an Xacto-blade-comping-a-project injury. Which, actually, every designer I know has had one of these.
6) Broke my toe zipping to the window to gawk at something weird my neighbor was doing.

Miraculously, this new one was the first time I ever did anything to myself which required stitches (well, unless you count the stitches from the surgery to fix my knee). So, yeah. Whoo.

I have to keep my leg extended for the next 10-12 days so I'm not pulling on the sutures. Luckily, I'm quite accustomed at this point to knee injuries, so it seems like old times.

Yay.

I have a boo-boo.

2006-06-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

I skinned my knee. Literally.

Ow. Hurts.

Link-o-rama

2006-06-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Woman on cell. One hundred dollars? You must have me confused with 1-800-Crack Whore.
—W 57th

God, I love this site. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

I hope the dude gets back at these punk asses.

I hate Russell Crowe, so it's an easy thing to totally believe the author.

I was slammed at work earlier this week, and now... not so much. I'm waiting on one of my bosses to get back to me with changes on this one project, but until then I'm waiting. I plan to spend the day (unless something comes up) working on my brother's wedding invite. I'm gonna be drawin' flowers. Kind of have it designed in my head and am now trying to decide between an accordion fold or outward like a book. I have pulled back the complexity a bit, as I realized that I was looking at a bout of insanity if I had to hand cut two layers of paper for 150 invitations. Now I'm looking at some heavy stocks and utilizing the double-printing feature on the Canon here at work. Oh, I'm sorry. I was totally thinking out loud. That might not be interesting to anyone who's not me, but I typed it... so here it is. :)

Father's Day IS next weekend. I had it in my head it was later, but here we are. So I'll be heading to Columbia to see my family. And Jim. :)

Okay, gonna make some tea. Be back later.

Mornin'

2006-06-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

Wish he'd been my commencement speaker.

People are driving crazy today. Maybe it's just Atlanta. But I almost got hit by a bus/shuttle thingy today, fun. Best part is G was driving by and called to say "that guy almost hit you!"

So at least I would have had a witness.

Happy 6/6/06, y'all. Don't click any funny links today.

Fool me once

2006-06-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

What I got:

Hey Sheeri,

Sorry it took me so long to respond but I had to do a lot of weighing of the options and I have decided I'm going to stay in my house with Michael. Not as a couple but as roommates. We've talked it over and we are both comfortable with the idea so for right now $ wise it's the best option for me. I'm sorry to do this over email and it was a really difficult decision for me to make. I wanted to thank you for all you did and holding the room for me and I know you will find someone to rent out your room ASAP. It's a great house and you would be a great roommate. I'm sorry it turned out this way. I would say lets hang out sometime because you really are a cool person but I'm sure I'm not the top of your list right now.

Thank you and I'm sorry again,

Greg

What I wrote back:

I figured something had happened to make you change your mind. Last week I had several things to say about your lack of balls in at least letting me know, and now I'm glad that I didn't misread you THAT much.

Yes, I'm disappointed, and angry. I'm pissed you blew me off while you were making up your mind, and I'm pissed you let me wait a month and a half on you. I couldn't really afford to wait, but I did, because I really liked you.

I do appreciate your letting me know, though. I'm not happy, but I do understand. After all, I was certain of my decision to sell my house until I… wasn't anymore. My realtor was pissed, and I could only compensate her for her costs, not her time — but you know what? We had dinner last week, and she was awesome, and we might even be friends out of it. And staying in my house was totally the right decision for me. So I guess I did something damn similar. She let me off the hook, it's only fair I do the same for you.

I'm not angry about you changing your mind. You have to do what's right for you. I get that, and I hope it's all you hope it to be.

Good luck, and thanks again,
-sherri

It's my own damn fault for not getting earnest money Day 1. Mistake I damn well won't make again.

Friday night's all right

2006-06-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

Even the dog.

So amazing. Read this entry, then read the most recent postings. Such a sad story for one family, and so amazingly happy for the other. The CNN story is here.

I took surface streets home and apparently it was a good call. H was returning from an emergency computer repair at the mall (well, the Apple Store) and got snagged in some nasty traffic, so, yay me... good call for once. Anyway, stopped off at a Salvation Army on the way, found a bunch of good stuff at half off, including some books I'm really happy about.

While I was at the Salvation Army it was pouring some much needed rain (my plants should be happy), which conveniently stopped as I left the store. All in all, including the thrifting, I got home in an hour and ten minutes. Considering the hour and a half on the connector last Friday, I was pleased.

So I'm enjoying one of my new 99 cent books, listening to the rain and having a glass of wine. A nice evening.

Good night, y'all.

Sherri and the Bee

2006-06-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

Did you watch the Bee last night?

Oh my gosh, it was awesome. However, I had a bit of a devastating setback. I was on the edge of my seat, totally enthralled, when it… ended. As in, just stopped.

Yes, again, the perils of watching something on delay on the DVR: it ran over. So I missed the end.

/cue Florida Evans/ Damn! Damn! Damn!

Had to go online to see who won. Which is not exactly the same as watching it happen.

I am so dumb.

But yay for the winner, and the all-girl top 3.

Awesome.

Vacation part deux

2006-05-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

So I'm back at work, or least the work interval in my 12-day vacation.

And... I don't have anything else to do right now here at Ye Olde Jobbe. Well, that's not true... I have one pro bono trifold brochure we're doing for a client, but I kicked that into proofing and am now in a holding pattern.

It was a great week off. I had a great time getting my inner Martha Stewart on and tackled an assload of projects. They weren't the projects I thought I'd be doing, but I know I'd better go where inspiration strikes. I mean, I went to the shed to get something, and it was so hard pulling something out of that abyss of junk that I snapped and yanked everything outside. I mean, when else in the coming months would I want to work inside a metal box, which is essentially what that thing is? And miracle of miracles, right when I started tossing stuff, H showed up to get something so I was able to haul his butt out there and help me cull out the crap. So... not what I intended, but I got a gross job out of the way.

Besides the shed, I cleaned out the laundry room, the closet and wardrobe in my soon-to-be-roommate's room, the carport and the deck. Finished mulching. Repotted some plants. Ran errands. Went to the dermatologist (where I had a potentially problematic mole cut off yet again) and took Sammy to the vet (still no luck catching Max — that boy has radar, and knew I was up to something immediately. Sigh.)

I didn't do much social, but what I did was great. Went to a nice dinner for a former co-worker's birthday, and invited a few friends back to the house for drinks.

Also took some reading-on-the-couch time, which is just the best. Did spend too much time on the internet: I should only care about Britney while wasting time at work, not when I could be out and about. Which, sorry, but I have to say: all those idiotic moms defending our dear Brit should see the whole series of pics: the unhemmed pants past her heels, the highball glass that she doesn't spill while dropping her child. I mean, if you trip and start to fall, wouldn't you drop the glass and grab the kid? It looks to me like she was more careful with the glass.

/rant over/

In more pop culture news. Alias is over. I'm sad, but not. I'm really bummed that yet another show has amnesia on most plot points (the X-Files-factor). Which, by the way? Those of you asking me why I don't watch Lost, well, that's your answer. I don't trust series with mythologies any more.

The series finale WAS satisfying if you think less and drink more. I do have to say, SpyDaddy's last (sob!) words were awesome: "You beat death, Arvin, but you couldn't beat me." And Sloan's fate was deliciously deserved. And Vaughn's reaction to baby Isabelle's little snore was the cutest damn thing ever. LOVE him.

Oooh, gotta go to some weird staff thing. Some nerve, interrupting my blog time.

VACATION!!!!!

2006-05-17T06:57:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the week I asked my bosses for a week off as soon as we could swing it. Yesterday they came back and asked if I wanted to take the rest of this week off plus early next week (we are waiting to hear back on some projects, so that's why (long story) it's probably safer to be around at least two days next week). And since that next Monday is Memorial Day I'll be working two (ta-da!) days out of the next twelve. So… whoo!

So now I'm planning planning planning. What project should I tackle? Do I paint? I really feel like I should, I just don't want to. I hate painting. On the other hand, it's the perfect time. In any case, I'm going to pretend to work today, but mentally I'm figuring out my little working vacation.

I do have some fun stuff I want to do, and also some long-postponed tasks, such as dragging Sammy and Max to the vet. I've tried several times now to catch Max and take him in, but if you can't grab him the first time (which is hard enough) you don't get a second try. I guess that's the perils of adopting a six-month-old feral cat.

In other cat news, y'all remember the newborn kittens? I still haven't seen them, but I'm pretty sure they're under my house. Which bites. I am glad they're somewhere safe, but I don't know how I'm going to get my hands on them to get them used to humans and adoptable.

In even more cat news (shut up), I was driving to work this morning, and just down the street I stopped to let a kitty cross. Did a double take because this cat looked exactly (exactly!!) like Bea, just a bit darker. Markings, size... everything. I got out and talked to him/her, but he/she took off. I hate to sound like such a cat nerd, but I've so mystified about how Bea ended up on my woodpile alone that I'm happy for more clues. At least now I know that there's at least one other kitten that survived from Bea's litter, or at least I'm pretty damn sure.

I know the cat news isn't that exciting. It's just tricky writing stuff for my blog that I don't mind everyone knowing. :)

Ummm, so what the hell else have I done?

Had dinner with H last night. He came over to get the color printer and we decided to head down to the village and get a bite. It's getting easier to hang out, especially in neutral territory. It's hard for him to hang out at the house, which I get.

Anything else?

Thinking. Or as Data would say, "processsing."

Oh, hell, between cats and Star Trek references I'm really outing myself as a geek to anyone who didn't know it. On the other hand, who doesn't know it? :)

Damn, I got nothin'. I'm boring as hell.

I'll wind this up with the sage words of the Go-Go's:
(ahem)

Vacation
All I ever wanted
Vacation
Had to get away
Vacation
Meant to be spent alone

can never think of a title

2006-05-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

So... it's finally slow at work. Yippee!

Actually, I didn't think today would be slow. It's kind of a happy surprise. Client loved what I sent him yesterday, so today's allowed-for round 'o changes wasn't necessary. It's not like the stuff's approved — client's taking the stuff to a meeting Monday — but at least I got nothin' else to do on that project until I hear back on Monday.

Weekend's looking good. I'm going to dinner tonight at H's. We haven't hung out in a while actually, and I haven't been to his apartment in a very long while and I really miss my kitty, so we're hanging out and he's feeding me. Before I go to H's I'm going to stop by the BPs for a drink. Tomorrow I'm going to Lakewood (big antique thingy held once a month) with G. I can't spend much (any?) money, so I'll have to be careful, but otherwise I'm totally psyched.

And, finally, I'll top off the weekend with copious amounts of yard work. Whoo! (That was a serious Whoo!, not a sarcastic one, which… I know me liking yard work continually surprises me and everyone I know, but whatever) Still have that last big chunk in the front to weed, and I need to mow the back yard. So this should be a nice weekend, hopefully not as painful as last weekend's cavalcade! of hangovers! I am not 24 anymore, and I shouldn't act it, and, apparently, I can't even fake it.

However... I do have a sore throat and am a bit draggy, so I'm really hoping I don't spend the weekend sick. I plan to baby myself a wee bit. At the very least, I am going to be super careful with the drinking, not only because I'm fighting off something germy, but also because I seriously don't want to make a habit of getting as fucked up as I did last weekend.

Anyway, there's only four of us in the office today, which I hope doesn't hamper me sneaking the fuck out a little early. It is too beautiful outside to be sitting in my office looking busy.

Okay, here's some stuff I liked this week:

FedEx planes flying into Memphis around a thunderstorm: totally look like ants!

For Gerry

This is actually something from a couple of months ago, but it's very cool. Panoramic view of NYC. Might not want to click if on a super slow connection (warning for my poor brother on dial-up).

And if you watched Texas Ranch House (which I did... and dude, don't EVEN get me started on the Cooke family) you should read the show thread on TWoP, a site which I've totally been pushing on all y'all for, like, forever. Several of the ranch hands are posting, most importantly Jared, a cowboy on the show and a designer IRL. Think about that: a cowboy and a designer and he plays guitar. What's not to love?

yard bitch

2006-05-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody!

Here I am! I'm alive!

Seriously busy, but alive. Sorry haven't updated.

I'm waiting now for the last changes for this big project that has eaten my life for the last 2 weeks. Make the changes, make the pdf, do all the links, send it to the client and that's bloody it (hope to god, anyway).

So it's Cinco de Mayo, a day on which I traditionally avoid bars as people are stupid. (Well, all the time, but even more so on Cinco de Mayo. Plus, it's a Mexican holiday white people celebrate by eating and drinking out so that actual Mexicans have to make the food and can't actually celebrate their own damn holiday.) I will be out tonight, though: tonight we celebrate my friend's graduation, a day not diminished by it being a long-ass time in coming. Rather, we celebrate 'cause it's an awesome achievement. YAY GP!

And my friend J is visiting tonight. So, all in all, I plan to be happy and drink, dammit.

All I've done for the last two weeks is to work on this damn project at work, and in my wealth (snert) of free time I've been working my ass off in the yard. Happily, that's partially literal: my ass is shrinking! I am visibly (to me anyway) getting more fit. And as I've learned today, fit is the new rich.

I had $175 in gift cards from Home Depot (birthday and washing machine/dryer rebate) burning a hole in my wallet. So Wednesday I got to Home Depot and bought $168.71 worth of plants, to which I say damn. I had one of those flat things loaded up, but I didn't think I was getting up to $168.71 worth. Damn, plants are expensive.

Anyway, they are mostly (I can't even write that word without thinking Cartman: "mostly") in the ground. Got some for the back yard which aren't yet planted. But on Wednesday I planted… (counting mentally) 20. And the front weed plot is starting to look like a garden. A sparse neonatal garden, but a garden. Let's summarize my proud acheivements from the last three weeks:

Weeded and feeded front yard
Mowed and edged front yard
Mowed back yard.
Weeded about a 20' x 15' plot in front (by hand, bitches!)
Put down tarps to kill rest of the weeds in the plot, so about 20' x 10' to go
Mulched 20' x 10' plot in front (so far 17 bags of mulch)
Weeded the border grasses in the front
Weeded 9' x 9' plot in back for tomatoes
Planted 22 tomato plants (got a little carried away)
Mulched tomato plot (about 9 bags)
Planted basil (plants and seeds), cilantro, and sage in herb garden
Weeded and mulched herb garden
Planted more ferns and hostas in shade garden
Weeded and partially mulched shade garden
Deadheaded geraniums and roses a couple of times
Planted 20 plants in front
Removed ugly ladder hanging in carport (H: functionality), replaced with hanging baskets (S: aesthetics over functionality!)

Are you not impressed? I fucking am. I am seriously proud of myself. I did things that I thought I couldn't do by myself. And I've liked doing it (mostly). It's been quiet and contemplative work. And it's been nice to be quiet. I think that the last month or so has been a healing time. I'm not quite ready to get my whoo-hoo! on, but I'm getting there.

My house is a disaster area, though. Filthy! I'll... get to it. (I'm not saying I haven't gotten overwhelmed a few times)

Okay, gotta run. Should eat so when the asshole research company finally gets us their damn changes I'll be ready to go. (They haven't hit ANY of their deadlines yet, which is what caused me to work all this past weekend: we had to cram three (if not more) weeks of work into one. Don't like them.)

xoxo
s

Cat magnet strikes again

2006-04-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

I finally had a slow day at work, and I took full advantage of it. I think I officially did maybe five minutes worth of actual work. Not to mention I got in at 9:45, left at 12:45 for therapy and returned at 2:30 (normally I can make it back by 2:15 but there was lots 'o traffic). I still have every intention of bailing at 5:30.

Whoo! I'm bad! Well, actually, I'm passive-aggressive.

I'm heading to Columbia this weekend for Easter. I really love Easter. I think it's my favorite holiday meal of my mom's (ham! macaroni pie! potato salad!). Plus, I love Easter Egg hunts, and now with actual nephews it's less retarded than when my parents hid the eggs for us kids… when we were in our 20s.

In other news, my cat magnetism has struck again. There's a litter of newborn kittens under my woodpile. Oh, yes. I've cursed fate, and now am reconciled to several weeks of trying to get them accustomed to humans so they're adoptable while doing the not-close-enough-to-scare-away-mama dance. For now, I'm leaving them the hell alone (scaring off mama and having to bottle feed is NOT on my agenda).

Sigh.

My first roommate posting

2006-04-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

Posted my first roommate-getting ad on Craigslist today.

So far I've had emails from:

1) a graphic design student going to Bauder, which, I'm sorry... my old office was next to the campus, and, no, just... no. Plus, I really want to live with a student brimming with emoticons!11!!1!.

Bless her heart.

2) a 36-year-old guy moving here from Chicago, who mentions rather ominously "...gotten myself in a bit over my head, long
story there.". Oh, that's not scary.

3) a self-described Neo-con, which, no. Especially as I specifically mentioned in my ad "No homophobes, bad tippers or conservatives." (What?) He actually sounded the best of everyone so far (!!), but I ain't having a W sticker parked in front of my house. I have standards. :)

oh, and the freakiest:

4) "I was on craigs list and saw your advertisement. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME ALL THE TIME GOOD IS GOOD I just got married less than a week ago...".

Dude.

One, a couple... no. Two, a newlywed couple? no, and no. That's who you want to live with when you're going through a damn divorce. And the most disturbing is obviously that this woman has Tourette's about God. Eek.

I'll post more as they come in. I'm almost enjoying it until I think that I MIGHT HAVE TO CHOOSE FROM THESE PEOPLE.

I'm taking a break from my totally-starting-over-from-scratch logo project, because the client wants everything to look like stuff that they've already done but didn't bother to mention that in the creative brief. (We love it! Now change everything!) I love doing stuff twice! Especially when my next already-on-a-tight-schedule project is getting pushed back so I can finish dealing with the logo schmutz, which means I'll have to crank the next 'un out at a superhuman speed. I'm pretty speedy when I have to be, but day-um... that's not maintainable. I get cranky, even for me.

spring break, bitches!

2006-03-31T07:10:00.000-08:00

I think my boss has finally realized that everyone in the office is pretty darn burned out, so we're getting a "spring break" in the form of closing early. I'm totally happy about it, and really really pleased to not only leave early but also not have to deal with Friday traffic.

That said, half a day is not much of a spring break for all the fa-la-la accompanying it. I know, gift horse blah di blah, STFU. But, sorry, I had to bitch. My boss is way too self-congratulatory about it. Rubs me the wrong way.

I have my early day all planned out. I have to get cat food at Petco, a prescription and stuff from Target, and groceries! Whoo! When did I get so wild and crazy?!? I'm a rebel, I am. I might even be totally off the hook and get a small frappucino.

WHOO!

The cat food is a necessity. I ran out yesterday and fed them leftover Hill's prescriptives food. They are NOT happy about it. I mean, I get it, they always have the same food, and I know to be really careful about switching food on cats, but they are so super duper spoiled that they are taking this as some personal affront. Sammy, in particular, isn't even talking to me. :)

Ooh, boss in the office. Must look productive so he won't regret our little treat.

Thursday

2006-03-23T20:08:00.000-08:00

Today I suggested hiring H to do the crazy client changes (that I nearly had a stroke over yesterday) so he's doing some freelance for us. My reasoning: I don't know how to do what they want, he seems to, he needs money, I need help 'cause I'm kind of snowed AND fried. Win win, right? Except that it was totally scary — I mean, the last person I had recommended was such a smashing success. And I had to say I didn't think I could do it, which is a lovely feeling and not at all embarrassing.

And it was awkward — at work, that is… hiring the husband I'm divorcing.

Initially I had had plans tonight to have drinks with a guy I used to work with. No, not like that. He's the stereotypical annoying little brother type, and a former smoking buddy and he's… nice (ish), but kind of a dick and I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. ANYWAY, we had plans. I don't know. He emailed, I'm nosy and I like to drink.

BUT... I was struggling on this fourth logo project at work, and I needed to work late, and it was Thursday, which meant traffic would be horrific, and it was raining, so it would be double triple horrific... so I asked to put it off a week. I felt bad, but... email, done.

And THEN, my very dear friend L called, heading to ATL with a layover today. Wanted to meet up and hang out at the airport, which sounded great and much fun — I love her and I miss her and I'd have loved to — except for the fact that it was literally undoable. We left it open in case I could... but, dude... I couldn't. And then I realized that I hadn't heard from her because I was supposed to have called, so not only could I not meet her, I'd also totally blown her off.

I realized that I had done this during my my hour-plus-long drive home (traffic! I still can't get over the bumper-to-bumper traffic even if I leave work at 7:00, which I did) in the pouring rain while I was talking on the phone with my dad. My brother-in-law's brain biopsy went well (It's not cancer, yay! they don't know what it is yet (still), but it's probably maybe treatable!) and my parents are pretty fried from taking over my nephews while my sister and BIL were gone (the biopsy was at MUSC in Charleston).

Then I talked to H and ended up meeting him, his mom and his sister for dinner. I picked them up at H's. First time I've seen my mother-in-law in a year and a half (against three week since I'd seen Eepie — I felt pretty rude since I really just wanted to cuddle my kitty but three weeks vs a year and a half and mother-in-law vs cat meant I couldn't) so AWKWARD. We headed out for sushi.

We did have a lovely dinner, and I taught H's mom to use chopsticks (apparently, there are no Japanese restaurants in Germany) and we drank. And... it was okay until she burst into tears about the divorce, and H and I not being together... ai. chihuahua.

And then she cried some more.

We left and they wanted to walk (I had driven) so I hugged them, and I left.

That was kind of rough.

I'm tired.

I am drinking more than maybe I should, but damn.

rainy monday

2006-03-20T16:07:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been all gone and shit. Too busy at work to write lately, and too unwilling to be on the computer at home.

I've had three logo projects in two weeks. Presentation tomorrow. Wish me luck. Brain mushy.

My sister was here this weekend, and I think I was transparently pitiful in gratitude to have a family member visit me instead of being nagged by family about when I'm coming home next. We had a good time. We're veeeeerrry different people, but we're more similar than I remembered.

And I had friends over, which was lovely. I wanted my sister to meet my friends and nice versa. Partially because I think my family is totally unable to picture what my life is like, and having my sister meet my friends seemed important. Plus everyone has been SO busy that I really wanted to see them and sometimes it's easier to yell "my house, Saturday, 7:30" than to go through the ten rounds of email it takes to pick a place and a time.

H came over and I think he had fun, even though It was a tad weird to have him over as a guest in a party-ish situation, but not bad at all.

Actually H is coming over tonight to fix my tv set-up, as both the new DVR and the Replay aren't hooked up correctly after the cable guy finally brought over the DVR Saturday. The set-up problem made me miss Grey's Anatomy last night, which sucked donkey balls. (H is also picking up my half of the tax work, and getting the futon back for his mom and sister's visit. They're arriving tomorrow, and I'm much more worried about seeing them than I was H's dad. H's dad is pretty unemotional, so I didn't feel as awkward around him as I think I will with his mom and sister. I have more of a relationship with them, and I kinda dread his mom being sad about the situation.)

Which, by the way... I FUCKING HATE COMCAST. Get this: Saturday was the THIRD appointment on which they've totally just stood me up. Seriously. I'm beginning to think that either A) they hate me, or B) they're too idiotic to run a business and are only IN business because of the monopoly nature of the cable business. Don't get me going... smoke will come out of my ears. They did reschedule AND ACTUALLY SHOWED after I had a hissyfit, but why, why do they always make me resort to a temper tantrum?? My redneck temper makes Baby Jesus cry.

Had my doctor's appointment today for a physical. They ran an EEG on me after both the doctor and nurse commented on how fast my heart was beating. My doctor said he said he didn't expect to find anything, but it would be a nice baseline for the future. So, question: were the two things related, or do other people get baseline EEGs at 35? And why didn't I ask the doctor? Oh, I know: because I wasn't supposed to have anything besides water from 9:00 pm last night to my appointment this morning and my brain wasn't functioning well enough to put anything together without caffeine for brain function.

Okay, gotta run. Kitties aren't gonna pet themselves.

I'm going to hell for this

2006-03-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

Hee

More bitching and moaning

2006-03-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

Oh, man, I am TIRED.

I've been working my ass off working on my house. Finished painting the office this weekend, and got moved into the also-newly-painted bedroom and the office. I actually feel like it was a major accomplishment, which is kinda sad, but it WAS. Those rooms were disgusting.

I spent so much time on my knees (dirty!) scrubbing the floor (oh, that dirty) that my knees are bruised. And my neck is hurting again.

I am turning into an old lady.

And it's kind of crushing that many of my brilliant ideas for those two rooms look like ass. Why do I have such a hard time with interior design? I know it's not the same as what I do, but some things should correspond: color, texture, composition, etc. But yuck.

It's a bit overwhelming, suddenly taking care of everything myself. And as soon as I get the house to a stopping point I have to get out in the yard because the weeds? are taunting me.

Oh! Guess what? I have a roommate possibility, actually: a friend of mine. We're thinking about it. I'm not going to say anything else as I don't want to jinx myself, but so far, yay!

And work! is so busy. I really thought that once my ARs got to press I'd be taking two-hour lunches and bailing at 5:30. But nooooo, we have new projects. I am getting so close to being burned out right now. I just asked for Friday off as my sister is coming to visit me. I hope that a) they'll let me (I'm late asking and we're busy), and b) I'll have work ahead of schedule so I can take Friday off.

Speaking of work, it ain't getting itself done, so I'm going. But, damn, I'm tired, I have cramps, it's Monday... I wish I could go home and take a long snooze on the couch.

eating crow and loving it

2006-02-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been quiet for a while.

I... well, I've spent the last week having a quiet panic attack. Yes, a week-long low-level panic attack. And, yes, such a thing is possible — I have been a nervous wreck. And the anxiety has been so out of proportion to the problem that I thought about calling my doctor to beg for my anxiety meds again, but I really just wanted to get through it normally. But it's been ridiculous.

The story is not up to the lead-in, which is kinda the point in terms of the anxiety being out of proportion. ANYWAY (damn, quit rambling), my righteous anger about the work problem kinda came to a screeching halt when I discovered that I had totally fucked up on something. And I was FREAKING OUT that this problem would cast in doubt everything else I had done. Like I was terrified to be busted.

The anxiety was so over the top that I thought about little else. It was kind of like the Thanksgiving drive home where I realized I shouldn't sell the house. I've begun to recognize that level of anxiety as a sign that I've gone in a wrong direction somewhere. So I really spent time thinking about this whole work thing, and I realized that the big fuck-up last week wasn't the only one. I made a whole bunch of mistakes through the whole project. And I saw some places where I totally had been thinking like a designer and not thinking about the client's perspective. Instead of being defensive I thought again about what my boss had been saying... and I saw some merit in it.

So, mentally I had to eat some crow. It, strangely, totally made me feel better.

Last week G and I were talking, and she made the point that some things you don't learn until you've been burned. And I've been burned, but I really need to own it and learn from it.

I've been thinking about last year when my anxiety disorder was through the roof. I was on Effexor and xanex AND *ahem* self-medicating and I was still a basket case. And it was from my marriage being whack and my being unable to see it, or at least admit it. Good lesson for me: if something is freaking me out I need to listen to myself.

Anyway, sorry, is anyone here for my low-rent psycho babble?

Actually, is anyone here at all? :)

I thought Nash was fat.

2006-02-21T08:33:00.000-08:00

dreamy and steamy

2006-02-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

My boss asked me to reconstruct the photo shoot planning to use as ammo with the client to get more money. So I went through my notes and my emails and so am freshly outraged about the client / boss slamming me for costs. Dude, I had TWO shoots where I had to reschedule photography itineraries more than 3 times (I mean, changing airline tickets more than 3x. The actual shoots got flipped around more than I can count). Wonder why it ended up costing so much? Maybe because their employees couldn't narrow a window on the time frame more than 24 hours in advance, and even then kept pushing it back.

Anyway, I'm supposed to write up a memo, and the research for it has me so riled up I can't write the actual email. Plus my brain hurts from figuring out dates and trying to remember everything that happened.

Sigh.

Anyway, it's dreary and rainy and I'd rather not be here anyway.

I had a nice weekend. A sickeningly lazy weekend, but nice. I seriously couldn't get my act together to get anything done, and my house needs some loooove. I have to get it together so I can get a roommate. (I'm aiming for April 1, by the way. Everyone keep an ear out for anyone who wants to move in with me. I'm cool (well, something like that)! The house is cool!)

And how good is Grey's Anatomy? I love that show SO MUCH. How much? Well, last night I watched it live — I actually sat through commercials. And y'all: even if the show wasn't excellent I'd watch it for the eye candy: damn, there are some yummy men on this show. McDreamy's, well, dreamy, Burke is tasty (the dance scene last night was hysterical), our new McSteamy: dude, KEEP that shirt off. And even George is getting delectible: those eyes! I can't believe how cute he's getting. He needs to stay away from Meh, though.

(Aside: I guess I'm living out Izzy's "You know when you don't have sex for a long time you kind of forget how much you need it?" thing. I am a damn sex camel, and I'm into a long-ass drought.)

Speaking of no sex, I'm going to H's tonight for dinner and to check on Eepie. And I found out another nice thing about living separately: he and I had a big fight Saturday on the phone. When we lived together I'd always give in to the silent treatment. This time, it was very easy not to do the smoothing-things-over thing when I didn't have to see him, and today he wrote with an apology. So, yay! I win! (kidding, slightly)

Get the ho! Down!

2006-02-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

So I went to thestate.com, you know, I do that every once in a while to keep up with the Columbia news (plus, gawd, pouting at work really saps the work ethic). I saw a headline for a prostitution bust, and I got all excited thinking it might be related to my sister — she went undercover as a prostitute recently (she did!).

But it was Lexington County, not _____, where my sister works. (Don't know if it matters, but I'm playing it safe.) ANYWAY (Jim used to call me the queen of the non sequiturs), the name of the sting was, without comment in the local press, "Operation Hoe-Down."

Seriously.

I'm just trying to imagine the press conference. Do you think they even TRIED to keep a straight face?

Thursday's all right for fighting

2006-02-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

Wow. I'm really starting to feel better. Therapy helped with the urge to bitchslap my boss into next week. It's starting to feel normal at home. I'm going to work on the house all weekend. And I think I'm going to go out this weekend.

And it's warm! I love warm! When the temperature goes above 60 I am happy happy happy.

And it was so nice to work late yesterday to go outside and see that it's still light out at 6:30. Spring's coming, bitches!

So... I haven't talked to my boss about the situation last week. At this point I don't even want to talk to him at all. I think it's that my opinion of him has dropped so much that I don't even feel like bringing him 'round to my way of thinking (that last part's (almost) a song lyric! And! I can't! remember! who? it's on the tip of my tongue... Um. Um. OH! Urge Overkill!).

He also pissed me off when... Okay, let me start at the beginning. I saw that on the schedule one of my books goes on press March 3, which is exactly the weekend my sister wants to come to town. So I asked: am I going on press for my book? I need to know because my sister wants to ask for that Friday off to come for a three-day visit. (This is where I got pissed.) His reply: "I don't know yet. I won't know until that week. I need you to be flexible on that."

Um, okay, THAT's totally considerate.

No more bitching about the boss. Will stop now.

And, scene! (Sorry, I still have some leftover drama geek in my system.) Can't think of anything else to write. And must stop letting anger and work rule life.

Oh! I know! I forgot to tell y'all my comcast story. Last Thursday, I had an appointment to hook up cable, etc. from 2-5. Rushed home from work, taking a half day in a VERY BUSY time. Waited. Waited.

Finally, I got a call at 4:30: dude's running late. Will be there by 6:00... at the LATEST.

So at 7:00 I call Comcast... had to tell several people the story. Finally I sat on the phone while they wrote an email to dispatch to find out why no one showed up (using up 40 cell phone minutes as I have no internet, and thus have no other phone). Finally I got a call at 8ish that no one was coming, would I like to reschedule?

Sure, fuckers, there's nothing I'd like better than rescheduling after taking a chunk of time from work.

So, I'm rescheduled for Saturday 8-11. I decide to just take the a.m. appointment and to leave after to go to Columbia, as my only other options would be to miss more work and wait until the following weekend, which, hell to the no. It's February sweeps! I have tv to watch. And, damn it, I have to have internet. I found myself having to watch tv in the morning to catch the news (I really have a patholgical need to check the news periodically... I think it's a byproduct of 9//11) so I had to watch MORNING TV! And Katie Couric is the spawn of the devil. I don't get — at all — why people think she's cute, outside of her somehow appealing to many giant frightening chiclet smile. Shudder.

So, Comcast (you can see how passionately I'm needing the appointment) calls at 11:30. They're out of DVRs and would like to reschedule. And I lost it. I think I said the word "no" about six times in different inflections, and the phrase "someone needs to get their ass here NOW" came out. I feel bad for being a total bitch, but seriously. Dude.

And then someone came out. He was totally pissed, but again... dude. And the late start made my short visit to the family shorter. And I still need to get that DVR (I thought my replay would be enough but am finding it insufficient. Need to be able to record something and watch something else) which means another call(s) and another appointment(s).

Comcast sucks giant sweaty donkey balls. Seriously.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T12:58:00.000-08:00

It's Valentine's Day. I'm happy that I've always hated it so I don't have to be sad today. In a relationship, NOT in a relationship, whatever. Hate it.

And it predates the whole boyfriend-dying-on-valentine's-day thing, which, admittedly has colored the day MORE, maybe. But I've hated it since elementary school when kids who were forced to give Valentines to everyone made it abundantly clear that that's the only reason I got one.

Ooooo, that sounded pathetic. Really, I just think it's a bunch of bunk hype to make people buy ridiculous gifts and commercializes love. So... (my point is) it sucks.

No, I'm not bitter. I just sound that way.

I was in Columbia this weekend for one day (that's why I didn't try to get together, Jim) for my dad's birthday. My brother-in-law had a big health scare last week, so I wanted to check on my sister and nephews, too. They haven't figured out what's wrong with my BIL, exactly, but for now it's enough to seriously curtail his life. I think that loss of freedom is going to hit him really hard if it turns out to be a long-term problem. I feel really bad for them.

There was a third reason for the visit: my younger sister is coming to visit in a few weeks, and will kindly load her truck up with crap I want from the family. So I had to visit Nanny's and figure out exactly what I'm going to steal from her. I did find the old bar stools I wanted and they're fabulous. I remember them from Nanny's since I was little, which is what makes 'em so sweet. Packed those puppies UP. And they look good.

I'm going to H's tonight to check on him and Eepie. Eepie's not doing any better in the peeing/pooping department, which worries the hell out of me. Of course, H's dad (who is STILL here) thinks I gave H the defective cat. I can see why he would think that, actually, since she's the one of the four cats with the explosive diarrhea and behavioral-bed-pissing. I keep telling H to have patience with her as she has to get through the stress of moving and being with his dad all day, but I know that's hard when you have a pet who is systematically destroying your belongings and probably your psyche. It's not a great thing to wake up with a cat pissing on you, which she's now done to both of us. Of course, H is dealing with frequency of pissing, while I had the experience of having my head peed on, which is, as you may be able to imagine, especially disgusting and a really lovely way of waking up.

I'm not talking too much about work. It's because my boss has pissed me the hell off, and I am trying to stay out of his way until I can get over being so damn mad. It's a really long story, but let me just say that I am really glad that I didn't tell him off like I wanted to this past Friday. I was so mad I would have cried or said something I'd regret, so yay me. Finally learned how to keep my damn mouth shut. I left work yesterday with cramps (for real: I felt like hot buttered ass) so I didn't have to see him, and he's out today. So yesterday will be the first time I've had to deal with him since IT happened, so I hope five days will be enough that I can talk to him about it in a reasoned thoughtful manner instead of bitching him out like I (really REALLY) want to.

(It's partially my fault. I said to G last week how smoothly the design for this project was going. I forgot a cardinal rule of design: don't fucking say stuff like that until the damn job is printed — and delivered. Damn client, but *much* more, damn my boss for treating me like the problem instead of the solution. And for taking over my fucking project. And for looking so SMUG while doing it.)

Wow, it's already 4:20. Fabulous.

just me

2006-02-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

And the big day has come. H has moved out and it's just me. Well, me, Sammy, Max and Bea. :)

Moving day wasn't nearly as horrible as expected (and horrible is what I expected). I'd already cried my eyes out for a week straight, so may have gotten much of that out of my system. Of course, the clonazepam — and later the lorazepam — I took Saturday maybe, just maybe, helped me get through the day. (I have discovered, by the way, that I quite like the -pams. Nothing gets you through your husband and cat moving out quite like 'em!)

Seriously, though, it went as well as I could have hoped. H was awesome all weekend. We kind of got each other through it, which was nice.

I even made soup for lunch for H and his dad yesterday when they came to get a few more things. And I'm dropping by his apartment tonight to say howdy and kiss my cat. I have no cable so H is recording all my shows. Thursday night he's coming to the house to finish hooking up everything after my Comcast appointment, and I will be cooking dinner for him and his dad. Weird, maybe, but it really feels okay to me. So far it seems like we can be friends. It feels really possible right now.

So... all day Sunday I was cleaning cleaning cleaning, which is really the female way of pissing on something to show ownership, if you think about it. Rearranged furniture. Put out my new big rug from Ikea which Max has already half ruined by using it as a scratching post and, seriously, NO ONE has scratching posts like my cats, so the hell? Now I'm trying to decide if I should pack the fucker up (the rug, not Max) and haul it back to Ikea. I mean, really, the cat's a scratcher, sure, but the damn rug should hold up better than that.

And today starts all the behavior changes I put off until H moved out. Number one, diet. I am going to lose weight, dammit. Not a good start though: I got an unfortunately nasty salad for lunch and was hungry two hours later. So I heated up and ate the remains of a burrito from Friday but am beginning to think that maybe that was a mistake. My tummy is getting twitchy.

All in all, I feel good on a cold dreary rainy Monday. Rock on, me.

a year ago today

2006-02-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

My grandfather died today a year ago. PaPa was the best grandpa you could have, sweet and affectionate, kind and attentive. And the only Christian that actually made me believe that there could be something to it (well, he and my mom).

Grey's Anatomy had a scene Sunday night with an old lady dying with her family and friends around her. I cried through it, because that was very much like when my grandpa died. My aunts, my mom, my sisters and brother, my cousin and I were all with him. And it was a beautiful death, which I never really understood until then. He was ready to go, and he was very much loved.

I miss you, PaPa.

Tuesday

2006-01-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

I thought I was doing really well lately, but today I was sitting at my desk this morning and thought about H moving out this weekend and just burst into tears. Like, the sobbing kind of tears. It kind of stunned me.

I feel fragile. That's the best I could just come up with as I just sat here, using all my expensive therapy skills, trying to figure out exactly How I Feel. I guess I can add sad and devastated. I guess I can also add impatient, as part of me just wants all this the fuck over already.

And I worry about H.

And Eepie. Just her name just made me start crying again. I know it's for the best, but I'm going to miss my kitty SO MUCH. Oh, man. I can't do this right now.

This is so hard.

in a beautiful place out in the country

2006-01-22T17:56:00.000-08:00

That's the name of my favorite Boards of Canada song. First time I ever heard it was driving back from H's friends' place in Braunschweig back to Baddeckenstedt where his parents live. (Holy shit. I spelled that right the first time. Of course, I finally remember just when it won't come up as much.). Anyway, we were on the autobahn late at night, and it was snowing just the tiniest bit, just enough to make everything kind of glow.

Anyway, that was the song. Beautiful night.

It came up while talking music — I couldn't remember the name of the song — at L's place, in a long good talk until late (late) at night. Had a fabulous time. Was fuzzy brained the next day, but that was fine, just fine. So glad she's in my life.

The photo shoot went perfectly. The guy we shot would be the perfect tv dad, in a Fox kind of way. And SO funny with his dog: "Goddammit, Boomer, you damn stupid dog. Get over here, you good boy. Who's a good dog? Who's a good dog? Who's Daddy's good big boy? Who's a good dog, you damn stupid dog?" and totally was one of those people who didn't mind the big open-mouthed sloppy wet doggy kiss. (No offense to any other doggie-kissers. While, personally, I love my cats and am pretty kissy on 'em, I keep my mouth closed.) He and his wife were hysterical, and totally nice.

So I'm sitting on the couch and it's almost dark outside, just a perfect drizzly January Sunday. I'm listening to Cat Power, and Bea and Sammy are curled up on either side of me. It's totally nice, just sitting here. I do need to accomplish a few things today, and I will, but it's nice sitting here now.

See y'all later.