and it starts spilling out…

Not busy at work so thought I'd catch up here. Nothing to report, really, but let's see what I can cull from my brain.

Am re-contemplating my high school reunion. I had decided, no, definitely not. Now, though, my hs friend Jennifer with whom I have lately reconnected is definitely going. In fact, she writes:

--
I am going to this reunion. I have to go. If I don't go, then they win. I can't explain it, but that is how I feel. I have to go. I don't care if I have the sh*ttiest time ever, or if I have to go alone ([friend#1] doesn't want to go either, but I think I can talk her into it; I doubt [friend#2] will go. She is so traumatized from JHA it is unbelievable). So there you have it. I am going. You're welcome to join me, but I understand if you are not ready.
--

I can totally relate. I think about high school or about going to see those evil bastards and I get all post traumatic stress disorder-y. Honestly, I would mostly be going to see my few friends. There is — I have to be honest — part of me that wants to be badass and not the shrinking nonentity wallflower those assholes got off on torturing. I can stand up for myself now, and they can keep their small-town Junior League Talbots-wearing asses on their side of the goddamn room. Ooh, see… angry much? That boiling up scares me. But I was bullied when I wasn't ignored, and I feel so bad for the me that I was. No one deserved that. I wish I could go back and tell that girl that high school is nothing and that one day I'd escape.

I guess I'm contemplating going for that girl I was, who could have only dreamed that in twenty years I'd live in Atlanta after having lived in New York, that I'd have lots of friends who love me, that I'd be in a badass profession with a great job in a great company, that I'd own a house, that things would fucking be okay.

I guess that's what Jennifer was getting at, that I'm me and I like myself and all y'all can just go fuck yourselves.

(I have to be honest though and really wish it wasn't so soon. I'm getting in shape at a good clip, but I wish I was skinny again. That's okay, though… I have an idea for what to wear (thank god my arms and legs usually stay thin). Unfortunately the ensemble was in Japanese Vogue and cost like a meeellion dollars, so I need to construct the H&M version. Bad-assitude. Anyway, those clunky heels, the short boots? Gotta get me some… gonna need six feet o' me. I know, shallow. I'm ashamed, but not. They judged me on shallow shit for 12 years. Gonna feed it back to 'em.)

Anyway, OBVIOUSLY, this is pulling up a few issues. Just a leetle. Obviously, this issue will be on the short list for therapy. I wrote this to a friend yesterday:

--
Hee: just fussed in my head about [my therapist] being gone this week and I realized -- again!! -- I need to not be so cavalier about her in my financial picture. I keep thinking, oh, I'll just go down to every other week, and then I have some panic-y emergency. Sigh.
--

So, yeah, I have time to decide. I wish this wasn't a big deal, but… it is.


Well, I had some other topics but my reunion angst pretty much filled up my typin' time. Ees almost time to go. Also, I think I need to absorb how badly damaged I apparently am. Poor me. Both of me. :)

I'm baaaack

Dude, I feel like I've been gone FORever. I went to the beach and it was fun. My sister was welcoming and it was great spending time with them; nonetheless, I don't think I'm gonna do it again next year. I just felt like a mooch. Maybe we can all meet at the beach and I could have my own space. I think I'd be much happier that way.

Went to Columbia after that and celebrated my other nephew's birthday. Took the two boys out for a birthday extravaganza involving the zoo, Chick-fil-A and Frankie's Fun Park. Toward the end I thought I was going to strangle some little boys, but it turns out that—exhausting as they are—they were not the cause of my increasing misery. Took them home, got back to my parents' house and had to rest I was so miserable (to my parents' great amusement: "they wear you out THAT much?") which turned into acute nausea. Which turned into… projectile vomiting. Lovely. Puked all night, which turned into, well, the other. So sick.

Dragged myself back to Atlanta Sunday morning but didn't work Monday. Dragged myself in Tuesday, left early Wednesday. Subsisted on saltines, broth and egg noodles, toast, gatorade. Miserable. Didn't stop with the, um, poo issue until yesterday. Oh my gawd, small favors, man. So grateful to not be sick anymore.

I was just so miserable this week. Weak and nauseated, yes, but psychologically decimated by not being in any meetings or yoga for over two weeks. It's crucial now to my emotional wellbeing. Plus being around my family is incredibly difficult. My parents' house is fucked. I'm not sure if I've gone into this here (I don't think so) but their house is about ten years overdue for a new roof. The shingles are practically torn off. When it rains water pours in throughout the house. The floor is sinking in spots and buckling in others. The ceiling is breaking away. There is black mold peeking through holes in the ceiling. I don't even think the house is salvageable, honestly I don't. And hearing my dad say that he just needs someone to put in the cornice and he'd put on the roof, which a) he physically can't and b) would be kind of a band-aid on a gaping wound as the rest of the house is rotten through and through anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore. My advice is unwanted: I can't fix them and they're adults. Dunno. Sucks.

So, point is, I tend to be emotionally traumatized when I return from Columbia anyway, and couple that with being sick, being away from my support systems and having a rough week at work… well, it was a pretty emotionally trying week. I feel LOTS better this weekend, thankfully. Can't wait to get back to yoga this week, yay!!

Oh, and get this: got home to a leak in MY roof. My roommate hadn't told me about a bad spot in her ceiling. For some reason she thought I knew, but I don't go in her room, yo. Anyway, just saw it when she left. While I was gone we had some big rains and NOW the spot has spread to my kitchen. I panicked, hardcore, after just leaving my parents' sieve of a house. Turned into a full-on I-can't-afford-my-house panic, which, well, now that my roommate's gone, I kinda can't, at least not without many sacrifices. But I just need to slow the hell down, though, and make a considered rational decision about what I'm going to do… and I certainly didn't need to panic about all this last week when I was down anyway.

Wanna know how bad it got? Through Facebook I had gotten back in touch with an old friend, who's a stay-at-home mom and is, like, LITERALLY the president of the PTA. For a few minutes this week I imagined her life, and was so beat down and worn out that I started thinking maybe I should find a rich guy, pop out a couple of kids and just, like, do yoga and cook organic meals. Not that I'm saying that that life's all roses: it's definitely not something I'd ever want… normally, that is. Scared me straight.

It's getting late and I'm old and need lots o' sleep. This couldn't have been interesting, so bless your heart for wading through all this. :)

xoxo

080808!!

By request, I am updating my blog. (Hey, sugar!)

However, this is me not packing or cleaning like I'm supposed to be doing. Instead, I am on the computer (obviously) while watching the Opening Ceremony. My boss is there and instructed us to watch the Ceremony, it's supposed to be amazing. Pretty damn cool so far. Just saw a Coke commercial that barely used our identity, but it did! So cool. So much work: I wish I was there to see it. (If you have access to my facebook page, get my company's web address and check out my boss' Olympic blog -- plus our work -- for the Olympics. I'm really proud of it all.)

So… I am going on vacation, yay!! I'm heading to the beach tomorrow with my sister, BIL and nephew. I am taking 7 books and 5 magazines. Hopefully, that will be enough. :)

I have also procured a 100SPF fabric beach umbrella. I plan to park my ass under it for the next five days.

Oh, can you BELIEVE this?!?: someone stole my damn peaches off my damn tree. I am fuming. I hope they choke on them and die. Fuckers.

So, the other weirdness right now is that Facebook is scaring up ghosts from the past right and left. Freaky, yo. Lots of people from back in the day. Plus, through Facebook got an email for my 20th high school reunion (20th: holy fucking shit). And -- typical, god -- there was a class picture attached that did not have me or any of my friends in it. I mean, do they even fucking think? I know: bitter, much? But, really, you can't know what post traumatic stress disorder all this stirred up. That said, I might even go. I dunno, there's a couple of reasons: I would like to see my friends, I'd like to see who got yucky looking, and I might get -- for lack of a less cheesy term -- closure. Evil motherfuckers. Also, I've never been to a reunion, college or high school: I think I'd like to have the experience. If I was fifty pounds lighter I'd definitely go. Thank god I have a good job, at least, and look young for my age (hee). :)

(Y'all: this is so freaky, all these commercials for the Olympics and seeing all this stuff I've been seeing for years now, it's crazy.)

What else? Oh, another Facebook thing: a guy I went to high school with is now a yoga instructor in Columbia and I'm going to check the place out when I'm there. (I really don't think I want to go ten days without a class. Really.) Oh, I didn't mention the Columbia leg of my trip. Going Thursday night to Saturday/Sunday. Friday is my nephew Trace's birthday extravaganza consisting of me spending lots of money on the ungrateful brats (me + the two nephews). Totally kidding, unless they make me take them to the Mummy 3 instead of Wall-E. I begged, but let's see. Oh, I think the zoo and lunch is also included. Plus they'll probably knock the shit out of each other at some point. They like that.

Hmmm, what else? I've started making yoga friends and some aa friends. It's really cool to be making good girlfriends when it's usually so hard to when you're not in school anymore. I think it's really cool. And my new aa friends are great. One, especially, I feel close to: I went to her birthday dinner this week and she gave me an awesome card for my six month chip and made me a little teary.

Oh, yeah, the six month chip. I has it. I'm fucking badass, man. Oh: strangely I've been missing smoking more than drinking this week. What's that about?

Dude, these tai chi guys on the Opening Ceremony are AMAZING. Hey, I'm live-blogging! Hee.

I am so totally not being productive, and I really want to get on the road 10ish. I've GOT to get busy. I'll talk soon. Love y'all!