a well-behaved girl

Y'all, I got nothin' here. I'm boring, for reals. Well, boring, but not bored: I just don't think things look especially exciting from the outside. I'm just working on myself full time.

See? boring.

I'm working on my 4th step right now, which is the moral inventory. It's been hard to get going on this one. I have to write up who/what/when/where/how kind of stuff on resentments, fears, blah di dah. Anyhoo, it's gonna take forEVER. I spent an hour yesterday writing about my dad. Of course, I'm going overboard (way too much time on one person), but I'm nothing if not thorough. All or nothing, baby, except that…

I've been kind of half-assing AA lately, and have been called on it a bit my some of my fellow AAs. I realized that somewhere along the way I had decided that not all of the tools you're supposed to use applied to me. I mean, I'm SMART and I'm in THERAPY: I don't need to call my sponsor every day. I don't have to go to 50 million meetings. I did, however, find out that missing meetings (and yoga) put me in a scary place mentally. I get frazzled and moody and feel a bit lost. I didn't really get what was happening until I realized that both of those things (meetings and yoga) are vital tools to make me grounded and centered. Booger. I thought I could do shortcuts. Shortcuts, though, make me want to be bad. I miss being bad. I also, though, like being good. Ees a conundrum.

So, yes, I am very well-behaved. Except for today, really: have been slammed lately at work and had a sudden lull today. I took full-advantage. Came in late, took a long lunch (went to the mall first time in forever and procured makeup and shoes for some much-needed girly treats) and am leaving a wee bit early. Deserve it, though, so I don't feel bad. Brain happier.

Okay, gonna run. Wanna hit Target before my meeting. Whoo! Exciting!!

lots 'o newness

I didn’t mean to be gone so long, y’all. Sorry ‘bout that.

I’m doing well, seriously. I am all AA and yoga these days. I know, right? It’s crazy how much things can change. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t (smoke)… and I exercise. Pigs are flying, y’all.

I love yoga, for real. I’m going to yoga four or five times a week, and crave it when I can’t go. It’s like therapy with fitness side effects. It dissolves that knot in my chest I used to hit with alcohol and (smoking). I get stressed out and think “oh, I can’t wait for yoga” and look forward to going.

Yoga’s another addition to that mental list of things I never liked or understood that I now find to be wonderful, such as getting up earlier or caffeine-free Diet Coke. Next thing you know I’ll be training for a marathon. Naw, I fucking hate running. Never say never, though, right? I do, however, have a five day a week treadmill-with-an-episode-of-Lost habit. But I don’t run. I walk a leetle fast.

Sunday is my 90 Days in AA. I’m really proud of this.

So, yeah, that’s about it these days. I’m not being super social lately. I’ve really enjoyed all this time I’ve been investing in myself, and it’s really my priority right now. H kinda insinuated that I’m becoming a pod person or something, like sobriety means I’m going to be a recluse for the rest of my life. That’s not it at all, even though it made me think. I can be around people drinking, totally, but it’s not necessarily easy. Especially situations that are exactly like they used to be, like meeting for after work drinks at the Local… except I can’t drink. At some point I’ll be more comfortable, but I’ve got a way to go before that’s a good idea.

For now, I’m fine with my totally new life. Which is what I have, pretty much. It’s cool, though.

I actually came in here to bitch about my mom sucking me into the family vortex of debt with her sick puppy, but I can’t talk about it anymore. I pretty much wasted an hour of therapy already talking about helplessness and anger, blah di blah, and I’m bloody tired of it.

Oh, and I just left the dermatologist’s office without being seen after I’d been there 50 minutes and they said it’d be another 20 minutes until they could take me back. Not having hours to be away from work I bailed and rescheduled the appointment… for June. Grrr.

Anyway, bbs. kthxbai. xoxo, s