ducky

I have been informed that I have been slack as a blogger. So now I shall endeavor to catch the fuck up.

Things are good. I have been really really tired lately and I don't understand why, but otherwise all has been ducky.

I am still not drinking OR smoking. Ahem, anything. It'll be two months this week. Yay me!!

This weekend was lovely. Spent some time with two of my readers (hee, funny. love y'all!) and it was muy fun. I let myself be talked into going to Underworld Friday night. It was a good show, even if I was a bit squeamish with the aging raver kids. NOT a good look. Seriously, if you're over 35, put DOWN the glowsticks. Actually, everyone put down the glowsticks. It's not circled back around to cool yet, m'kay? Knew H would be there so was looking for him. Saw him in the crowd so loitered to meet up with him afterwards… and finally met the girlfriend! It was weirdly not weird, which was the weirdest part, actually. I did get a little judge-y with her outfit, which… bad me!!

Saturday I hung out with J before he headed home, which was fun. I collapsed on the couch after he got on the road and napped until time for my meeting. Afterwards went to a girl from the meeting's birthday party: my first sober party was also my first party sober so that was a good thing, and also very fun.

Yesterday I slept way too much (what is UP with this??) and went to a meeting. It was a different group I've only been to once before but saw some people I know, which is cool. Talked a long time to this Margaret Cho look-and-sound-alike who I've talked to before. Cool girl. That's the really cool part of aa, the meeting of people getting sober too.

Hmmm, what else?

My roommate might be moving to Australia to work in another office for her job. She's gotten the offer now and is mulling it over. I'm totally okay with whatever she decides. I like her lots so I'll be happy to keep her as a roommate, but I'd also like to live alone again. I kind of like that the decision is out of my hands. Barring financial catastrophe (knocking on wood) I'm not planning on getting another roommate. Next person I live with I hope to be having sex with (…speaking of wood. Sigh. Sorry. Can't help making bad puns). I think she'd be nuts not to take the job unless it's just not enough money on which to survive (I don't have the details). Such a good opportunity for her.

I'm holding off on painting until she tells me what she's doing. If she moves out I'll have to rethink the house. Fun!!

I still obsessing over getting a dog. I do not know where this urge is coming from, but I'm fighting it. I have plenty o' animals.

Just reread this and it's badly written, but don't feel like fixing, so just don't judge me, okay?? :)

Gotta run! Time for lunch!

xoxo, y'all!

psycho

"Why do you have to be so psycho? Any of my friends would have just called without the drama. Enough already."

Niiiiice.

1) I'm your ex-girlfriend, not one of your guy friends.
2) I called you weeks ago after not hearing from you after YOU initiated contact and I called back. I didn't hear back. Got a random text message from you the other day, which was weeks later. Called you, you hurried me off the phone with an "I'll call you this weekend. We'll get lunch." You didn't call, and I called you on it. Admittedly by text message not the best way, but still: You. Full of shit.
3) I never EVER called you names. I might have been snarky, but I was never mean.

You know, maybe I AM psycho, seeing as your definition of "psycho" entails having emotions. Like, any emotions at all. No wonder every girl you date turns "psycho."

Wow, look! I'm psycho now. Meaning angry.

I wasted so much time on this guy, grrrrrrr. And this impulse of mine to stay friends really needs to be reexamined. It's obviously not worth it. Especially when he obviously hadn't actually wanted to be friends and only went through the motions so he wouldn't be the bad guy. Instead he passive aggressively and systematically pissed me off until I pushed back, so that he could put it all back on me with the label of psycho.

Oh, and "psycho"? Seriously? That's what keeps astonishing me: that's the best you got? Calling the ex-girlfriend a psycho: that's such a fucking stereotype. I mean, really. You call black people lazy? That's pretty funny too.

On the other hand, I probably am. Psycho, that is. Heh. But, you know what? I'm no longer putting off growing up. I am not, at the very least, going to make the same mistakes over and over again. Starting now: sometimes there's no point in trying to be friends, so… I won't.

help wanted

Oh my god, I am one needy bitch.

Just got home from an AA extravaganza of an evening. Went to the business meeting thing, then the meeting itself and afterwards to get food and a variety of non-alcoholic beverages with some people from the group.

I feel so not myself right now. I get so freaked out and nervous and desperate for help, for understanding, for someone who tell me what to do. You're supposed to admit that you need help from a power greater than yourself. I finally understand what that means, at least a little. I can't do this alone. I've been going to these meetings and haven't been able to wrap my head around that. But tonight we talked about fear, and I realized that I am afraid to ask for help.

It's so not me to want someone to tell me what to do. For now, right now, I needed to ask. So I asked. And someone stepped up to help out. I have to call her every day for 30 days. She's giving me a plan of action. That's a good thing. I never thought I'd ever cede control to anyone ever again. But that's not what this is: it takes strength to ask for help. It takes power and self-awareness to realize that I am better than the life I've been leading and finally have the balls to change it. In ceding power even a little is the way I'll become strong. And when I become strong I'll help somebody else. It's what you do, it's how this works.

The deal is… I like sobriety even though it sucks. It sucks in that I miss drinking (SO MUCH), that it sucks to have to change my life (for now) to be able to deal with the not drinking (as in my standard social thing is, hey, let's meet up for a drink). I know that things will get easier. Just… well, it's hard.

But it's absolutely right. I anesthetized myself nightly to be able to stay in a sad semblance of a marriage. It got to be a habit even now that I am finally getting better after struggling so hard for so long to find myself again. I want to see what life is like sober. Right now I'm supersensitive without the chemical barrier I've had up. I'm letting myself feel things again. It's uncomfortable and foreign and scary. I'm establishing the kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life. I guess at 37 it's like midterm exams. I want a life I'm proud of. I want to be a person who can deal with life.

I'm proud of myself, though. I can do this. I can absolutely do this. Even if -- especially if -- it sucks.