Tuesday

I thought I was doing really well lately, but today I was sitting at my desk this morning and thought about H moving out this weekend and just burst into tears. Like, the sobbing kind of tears. It kind of stunned me.

I feel fragile. That's the best I could just come up with as I just sat here, using all my expensive therapy skills, trying to figure out exactly How I Feel. I guess I can add sad and devastated. I guess I can also add impatient, as part of me just wants all this the fuck over already.

And I worry about H.

And Eepie. Just her name just made me start crying again. I know it's for the best, but I'm going to miss my kitty SO MUCH. Oh, man. I can't do this right now.

This is so hard.

in a beautiful place out in the country

That's the name of my favorite Boards of Canada song. First time I ever heard it was driving back from H's friends' place in Braunschweig back to Baddeckenstedt where his parents live. (Holy shit. I spelled that right the first time. Of course, I finally remember just when it won't come up as much.). Anyway, we were on the autobahn late at night, and it was snowing just the tiniest bit, just enough to make everything kind of glow.

Anyway, that was the song. Beautiful night.

It came up while talking music — I couldn't remember the name of the song — at L's place, in a long good talk until late (late) at night. Had a fabulous time. Was fuzzy brained the next day, but that was fine, just fine. So glad she's in my life.

The photo shoot went perfectly. The guy we shot would be the perfect tv dad, in a Fox kind of way. And SO funny with his dog: "Goddammit, Boomer, you damn stupid dog. Get over here, you good boy. Who's a good dog? Who's a good dog? Who's Daddy's good big boy? Who's a good dog, you damn stupid dog?" and totally was one of those people who didn't mind the big open-mouthed sloppy wet doggy kiss. (No offense to any other doggie-kissers. While, personally, I love my cats and am pretty kissy on 'em, I keep my mouth closed.) He and his wife were hysterical, and totally nice.

So I'm sitting on the couch and it's almost dark outside, just a perfect drizzly January Sunday. I'm listening to Cat Power, and Bea and Sammy are curled up on either side of me. It's totally nice, just sitting here. I do need to accomplish a few things today, and I will, but it's nice sitting here now.

See y'all later.

status report

Not so chatty lately, as my life has kind of regressed into a H-moving-out holding pattern. He's supposed to move out by February 1, which, frankly, if that happens I'll be shocked.

So, I wait, and I dread what's going to happen. I'm really kind of afraid that 1) he'll want to stay another month(s), 2) he'll move, but not actually get around to packing until the day before and it will take him six months to get all of his shit out of the house, or 3) that he will get packed but will not actually hire movers, instead expecting me (alone) to help him. And 4) that he will continue to push every guilt button he can find to torture me some more. Subconsciously, of course.

And I'm a teeny bit afraid that he'll not even rent a moving truck and will try to move shit in the Samurai. He wouldn't do that. Right?

I just really need this to go ahead and happen. I can't move forward until he moves out. And I really want this to not be horrible, but again I'm in a situation where he's in the driver's seat and I'm tied to his decisions and behavior.

This is the only time I kind of regret keeping the house. If we were selling it, we'd both be packing and moving, and if he didn't get his shit together it'd be left behind. He wouldn't be able to drag it out. And he couldn't continue to blame my progress in not feeling like shit on me keeping the house and not having to move, instead of, oh, bloody hard work and therapy. So, this is one penalty for me keeping the house.

Spring can't come fast enough. I am so looking forward to it.

Work has slowed a wee bit. Enough, in fact, that my boss asked me to cover a photo shoot so I'll be going to NYC next week for a day. He gave me the option of staying longer, so I am checking in to that. My only reluctance in staying over is money. At the very least, I'll make sure I have dinner with Lori 'cause I miss her bunches. (My last decent visit was last February and it was cold as fuck, so I am holding off until spring for a nice long visit. May is a fabulous month in NYC, second only to September in my book.)

Money is an issue because divorce? is expensive. And more so because we're kind of balancing out me keeping the house by giving H more of our posessions. So, in the next couple of weeks, I'll have to buy a washer and dryer, a tv, a vacuum cleaner, bedroom furniture and so on. I don't know everything I'll need because H keeps pushing off decisions about splitting stuff up, so I might have a new more unpleasant surprises.

I had been hoping to get my great-grandmother's fabulous funky bedroom furniture, but my grandma thought she needed to clear giving it to me with my great-aunt and great-uncle, and, of course, some damn cousin came out of the woodwork and wants it. And I'm all like, shit, no one wanted that stuff until I did, which apparently Nanny thought, too. So now she's doing some kind of scheming to find a way to give it to me after all, which is kind of cute. I hope it works, 'cause there is no way anyone on that side of family even knows what the furniture even looks like, much less love it like I do.

Damn third cousins. I wish I had a picture to show y'all. Of the funiture, not the cousins (which, hee, that'd be fun too: that side of the family has some scary cousins). It's really awesome furniture.

Oh, speaking of money, I decided to get a lawyer after all. For the divorce. I was thinking of all these cheap options, like LegalZoom! on the web, but I have come to my senses. I just really want to not fuck up, so I think I need to bite the bullet and get a lawyer. So, if anyone knows a good divorce lawyer in Atlanta, PLEASE let me know, yo.

Just took a phone call from my photographer for the NYC shoot, and he's checking to see if he can do it Friday (in between his trip to Steamboat, Colorado for some sort of cowboy competition and his trip to Costa Rica for an environmental group, which, damn, I should have been a photographer.). So, next weekend might be an unexpected trip to NYC. Groovy.

Okay, I'm pretty impressed with the volume on this entry, so I think I'll wrap it up. Later, y'all.

It's my birthday. Yay.

Totally excited, that's me.

Some friends are taking me drinking tonight. That's good.

My friend KZ in NYC used to do this thing where she'd give every year a goal and a name. I always liked that idea and I think this will be a good year to do the same. I know what I need to do, thanks to therapy and a lot of reflection. There is much to look forward to, and I need to think about those positives and work my ass off to get where I need to go.

I have to do this because H is having a VERY HARD TIME and he is letting me know it. It's hard to not fall back into old patterns of taking care of him. January is the test, when I have to be strongest. This is when we separate our belongings, when H looks for apartments, when he packs, when he leaves, and when Eepie leaves. I don't have the luxury of being weak.

First, I have to lose this tendency to spend my birthdays with hyper-alert raw nerve endings that make me cry at the drop of a hat: all "but it's my birthday". That's just silly. Birthdays, exist to celebrate another year that we're alive. So fuck all the birthday expectations and the "poor-me" feelings: I'm happy to be here. And that I'm still moving forward, or at least working really hard to do so. So, yay!

the new year

so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions


Yeah, that's a Death Cab for Cutie lyric. It's been it my head all night.

So I'm back from my friends' house, not drunk and not particularly happy. On the other hand, I'm not particularly unhappy, either. I did get a New Year's kiss — from a sweet four-legged friend who started licking my face at midnight. C'mon... how sweet is that? And I had a genuine laugh from it, which this year is as much as I could hope for.

2005 kinda sucked. On the other hand, in a world that suffered as much as it did I've been lucky. I'm not hungry, right now I'm financially okay, I have friends I love. I just feel empty.

Happy New Year, y'all. I'm happy 2005 is over. I hope 2006 brings growth, love, and ambitions achieved. And peace inside and in the world.

It'll be all right.