ETA

Hmmm, so it's not [i][/i] to do italics. I really need to read the FAQs.

Busy day

This is going to be a busy busy day but I don't have anything specific to do for a wee bit first. We're driving to Alabama for a presentation, so I have a six-ish hour journey there and back on top of two hours of meetings. And when I come home I'll pretty much have to turn around again and head back out as I have a birthday party to go to. I mean, I'm looking forward to the party and all, but this is going to be a long-ass day.

And the first bummer of the day: my new underwear is cutting into my hips and it hurts. Yay for wearing them 10 (?) more hours! This IS the first time I've bought a bag 'o panties, and I think I might live to regret it. By the way, I totally threw in the "panties" there as a shout-out to my girl L, soon to be in Astoria, Queens. I love trying to sound all hip-hop, I know it makes me sound as black as Vanilla Ice, also a shout-out. Hee. Don't mind me, I'm just entertaining myself here.

By the way, I don't know if everyone is aware of my status as a TAR lover, TAR standing for [i]the Amazing Race[/i], of course. Well, I had recorded shows stacking up on the DVR and the Replay like airplanes around Hartsfield (like my bad metaphor there? Hee.) so when H wanted to put on some spaceships last night I made him choose a show so I could get through the backlog. So we jumped into TAR Family Ediition, even though both of us were strangely reluctant to watch it in case TPTB fucked the show up. It was okay, except that some of the families needed to be shot. Annoying is not a strong enough word. Aiiii. Anyway, the high point for me was the unfortunately named "Black Family" who, sadly, were the only African-American team on the show. H and I giggled like 12 year olds every time they were called the "Black Family."

"There goes the Black family!"
"Go Black family!"

I was really bummed they were last — their little boys are adorable, but I'm really not convinced there should be kids on this — but I still giggled when Phil was all solemn with his "Black family, you're the last team to arrive".

Y'all: that's just WAY too close to Token Black on South Park. And, by the way, the fact that only ONE team recognized Kevin and Drew at the hot dog stand reaffirms my belief that they're all idiots. God, you need to study the old episodes if you're going on the show! Really. I'm serious. (And Kevin and Drew were awesome, even on the GSN reruns. Love them.) This is one show it helps to study upfront before going on it. Ignorant racers are always the worst.

What?



Go Black family!

a brief recess

Hi.

I just got to work as I overslept and then had to face an ant infestation. Little buggers were all up in the cat food, and the cats were looking at me like, Mwramp? You gonna do something about that?

Hell, I wrote that paragraph and then was interrupted with a half-hour conversation with a coworker about the struggle we've had over process while working on this AR, miscommunication and expectations, yadda yadda. (Damn work cutting into my writing time, especially when I've arrived at 10:00 and am going to have a long lunch, i.e. therapy.)

And that concludes my writing time as I have a shitload of work to do. Damn.

Awful

Well, that was fabulous. I was utterly unable to express what I needed for my project to my coworker in a productive manner, leading to a painfully defensive and frustrated conversation.

Ai.

I feel hungover as shit, but I shouldn't. And I have PMS real bad.

Everybody stand clear.

My brain is full

Writing will be sporadic at best now that I fully realize how much I have to get done before next Friday's presentation. I'm dyin' over heah.

I am still recovering from the weekend and getting back to work. And the effects of the Effexor withdrawal. And workin' real hard. And the ongoing separation anxieties (hee. not really, but hee.).

I know this is going to sound really really weird, but: I'd forgotten what my personality is like. Seriously. I'm much more talkative and excitable than I remember. I mean, I was talking to everyone and anybody. BUT... I obsess over everything I said the minute I walk away, and for hours afterward. That's the part the Effexor got rid of -- the ruminating, a term used much like with a cow. You chew and chew and chew. So, I obsess and obsess and then, for kicks, obsess some more. I hate it.

On the other hand, I have more fun. I'm think I might even BE more fun. But I don't know. I think I have a skewed perception of what comes out of my mouth. Is there a mouth dysmorphic disorder? If so, THAT's what I have.

This is definitely the topic for therapy tomorrow. If the ruminating can be fixed with work instead of drugs I'd much rather do it that way. I feel more like ME, even in two weeks off the meds. And even if ME is pretty fucking uncomfortable sometimes.

In happy news, H and I are doing well. Of course, time apart did wonders for us. We've been able to talk through some shit lately, and plans are ongoing for, well, the rest of our lives. There are some things that just are not wrong with our relationship. And I hope we can keep those good things in the future and learn to be friends. I mean, we ARE friends. I want to BE friends. I want him in my life. Which is why, incidentally, I removed some of the bitter girl comments that were in the blog. If I show that to be world it's what I'll get back. So, I'm trying to dial back the pissiness (pissyness?).

I am also officially dieting, dammit. I have an actual spare tire and that shit's gots to go. And I've been good. I do need to get some healthy snacky snacks so I'm not gnawing my arm off by the end of the day. Figuratively, in case you were wondering. But, damn, yo -- bitch is hungry.

Oh, if you want some grape tomatoes, let me know. If, that is, you're in the greater metropolitan Atlanta area. I'm not mailing tomatoes. I have grape tomatoes and grape tomatoes and grape tomatoes. And I can't find any way to preserve them. I did flatten and de-seed some of them in an attempt to make sun-dried tomatoes and then put 'em in oil, but I'm actually reluctant to try them as they look weird. I might just throw some in the freezer and see if they are edible afterwards. Any tips would be appreciated.

So, um, I know I need to work late, but I'm not up to starting comp #1 at the end of the day. That's just not done. Or at least I don't. Or whatever.

Later, y'all.

Back from the AIGA

I never actually call it "the AIGA", I just had "Back in the USSR" in my head for a sec.

Um, so. Hey everybody!!! I'm baaaaack.

Y'all, the AIGA conference was awesome. I'm feeling inspired. Tired, but inspired. I want to do a big catch-up entry, but it'll have to wait. Must. Work. Now. Check back in at lunchtime.

This first, talked to poor M last night at 4 in the morning her time trying to return from a weekend trip. She's going to get home juuuust in time to get to work. Plus her dog, the fabulous LuLu, is sick and M had to leave her. M, I love you and am thinking of you. Keep me posted. And hang in there, dawl. :(

Well, my goodness

Okay, anyone who was on here today saw a post called "Good morning!" listed three times. Well, I tried to fix that in Atlanta AND in Boston but Blogger really wasn't cooperating, i.e. it didn't even show up as a post to delete and I was freaked out by that. But I just got back to the hotel after all the conference goodness and it is magically fixed, so yay.

One of the speakers tonight was Murray Moss of Moss, which is a really pretentious store in SoHo. Okay, wait, let me back this up. I wasn't expecting to like him as, like I said, he has a really pretentious store in SoHo. But he had some really fascinating ideas about, um, well, it's hard to explain, but... letting the process be visible, as it shows more than perfection. So as retarded as it sounds, I decided that that made sense in terms of letting the whack entries stay on here. Something about process. Well, anyway, it made more sense earlier but now I've had a bit to drink. I'm inspired, but I can't remember why. :)

My point? Hell if I know.

Um. So tonight one speaker really kind of blew my mind. Let me grab my sketchbook. Okay, his name is Juan Enriquez. He had some amazing ideas about, um, human verbal coding and genetic coding and communication and oh, hell, there is NO way I can make this make sense right now. It was cool, okay?

I thought I'd run into more people I knew here but I really haven't. I did see my favorite print rep in the world. We did two big books with him last year, and he's fabulous. I mentioned we had 4 ARs this year, so I got an immediate dinner invitation. He's the guy who took us out where I accidentally ordered the $95 entree. Ah, memories. The company is in Dallas, so there's just as many steakhouses in that as you would imagine.

I also ran into a friend of mine from, well, the first place I worked in New York. I still just adore him so it was great to see him. Plus, he's Scottish, so even if I hated him I'd still like to just hear him talk. :)

Okay, so here's this morning's entry, plus some stuff I wrote on the plane. It's all very out of order, but whatever. It's not like my mind works in any linear fashion whatsoever anyway.

Peace out, y'all. I have no idea who, if anyone, is reading my malarkey, but thanks for tuning in anyone whoever you are.

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Yesterday I was a bit frenetic about getting work work done before my trip. In the midst of that (Hi! I've only been working here for a month and I cry in my office every day, but please don't notice that. Instead, here! Look at my work! Isn't it nice?) I went to therapy and boo-hooed all over my therapist for a good chunk of the hour and got a hug when I left. I don't know what that means in therapy-speak.

The other day I went to Marshall's to get something cute (or not horrifying. I just don't have any clothes -- I mean, I've got more 12s and 10s by a long shot than 14s) for the conference closing party only to find out that I'm BUSTING out of size 14s. As I absolutely refused to try on a size 16 (I am NOT going there) it took a second shopping trip to finally find some clothes I could squeeze my giant ass into. (Actually, it's not even the ass that's the problem. It's the ginormous piles of belly hanging OVER the pants that was the problem. Sigh.) I finally bought some red cords at Old Navy, because nothing says low self-esteem like bright red pants. I dunno, they were cute. I don't think I've had bright red cords since I was 5.

I met up with my friends for drinks last night, and we're all having these Big News moments lately. It's weird. First of all I feel bad as I didn't fully realize how sick my friend R's dad is. (Self-absorption, party of one, your table's ready.) Sorry, sweetie, in a big way. Big hugs to you and your folks. Yell if you need a slightly useless friend with good intentions and a bad followthrough.

Luckily, though, two of the Big News things were very very good, which is a happy thing to hear. And there was actually another bit of potential good big news about another friend who lives far away. I love the good stuff. Sorry if cryptic, but it ain't my news. :)

By the way, (total bizarre change of topic) my dreams last night included some weird Katrina-like devastation in some unknown city, where I was still able to worry about not bringing enough business cards. Yeah, I don't know. Except I did realize when I woke up that I have only about 5 business cards in my bag for the conference. Oh my brain, how you mystify me.

Y'all, I can't believe I'm still sitting here when it's 8:40 and I haven't packed completely yet and my flight's at 11ish. I think I better finish this later. I hope I have wi-fi at the hotel. So if I do, I'll finish writing later, and if not, I might not be back here on Sunday. I'm sure I'll be able to get on that thar internet somewhere in Boston yet.

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I tried to post the above before I left for the airport, but it wouldn't go through and I finally had to give up. So, when I get online again the above will either be posted 3x (note: I know this is kind of meta and bullshit, but it WAS posted three times in a row. Freaky.) in a row or not at all.

So now I'm on a plane, and, dude, I was about to bitchslap some Delta people today. I've gotten used to travelling, especially during both of my last ARs when I was doing lots of photo shoots. Today's annoyance culminated at the third line I was in (I'm not used to paper tickets, and apparently Delta isn't either), and then finally being directed to the dedicated phones, which didn't work. Well, at least it was some sound that was not a ring on every phone I picked up. The representative guy was all, they're working, be patient, MISS, and I was all, they're NOT working and he snapped at me to be patient that they WERE working, so I stood there for another couple of minutes. I asked him to listen and tell me if that was a dial tone in his world. Then, get this: I heard him MAKING FUN OF ME and ROLLING HIS EYES to someone about me. I snapped again that I was getting a sound that was not a ring on every phone I picked up. He finally sighed and was all snippy: SEE... and then he said, OH. They're not working. And I said, yeah, well, what do I know, as apparently I am an idiot, fuckwad. It was all I could do not to hit that asshole with the phone. Long story short: I made it, but I didn't have time to grab a smoke (which is the best part of the ATL airport) which definitely didn't help my mood.

-------------------------------------

See y'all tomorrow and goodnight!! Got room service coming in the morning so I'm happy. :)

Yes, apparently I DO like to torture myself

So new job = new insurance. Long story short: I waited for my new card to get my meds. I tried to get my group and member # to get my meds. Finally, I ran out 'o drugs and decided, oh, to go off cold turkey as the process of getting my antidepressant was making me crazy itself.

This may not have been a good idea. Realizing this, I made a gazillion calls, got the ID numbers and sent H to pick up our meds. But, oh, out of the three prescriptions we needed between us it turns out that Aetna covers, oh, NONE of them.

How the hell can you just not cover zero out of three of our meds? I mean, it's not crack here. The hell?

So, I'm off my Effexor cold turkey since Sunday. And it is baaaad. I guess I didn't realize that it would make me 1) dizzy, 2) full of these electric-y shocks zapping through my body, 3) cottonhead-y and 4) mean as hell. I went on a message board discussing Effexor withdrawal and apparently it is QUITE the bitch to get off of, and these symptoms happen to many people going off it. So, now, of course, I've decided that the medication is evil and I don't want to go back on it.

I'm quite aware that this is not a good time to do this. My life is difficult enough right now without a whack brain, but I've started now so I might as well keep with it.

Right?

Gawd.

This just in

Bush: "...I take responsibility"

Is it opposite day? Has the world ended?

Hold me.

I'm scared.

And now for something completely different

I am ridiculously excited about tonight's season premiere of Gilmore Girls. I am so excited that I plan to watch it live to avoid any horrible accidents such as last season's season finale in which the Replay cut off (!!!!) the last minute (which was, oh, a marriage proposal between, like, my favorite characters ever). I also had Gerry talking through the next-to-last scene despite my yelling I DON'T CARE IF THERE IS NO DIALOGUE IT'S STILL A HUGELY IMPORTANT SCENE SO SHUT THE FUCKETY FUCK UP!

I take my tv seriously, people.

But props to H on that one: he located that last minute for me within a day from online, and the entire episode within a week. Awww. See -- as soon as we decide to stop hating each other I get nostalgic. I make my own life difficult.

But tonight, I'll watch live, and the Replay (regular) AND the DVR (in HDTV) will both be recording the show to be safe. Yes, I'm a geek. Why? :)

---

A happy birthday goes out to H's mom and my dead (great) Grandma Mattie. By the way, Grandma Mattie died exactly nine months before my brother G was born. I think my 10-year-old brain was scarred for life by my mom's explanation of grief sex. TMI, Mom, TMI.

---

By the way: I've meant to put in this disclaimer for a while: I write this blog thing like I talk or write emails to friends. I am quite aware that I am not being exactly grammatically correct and am a bit rambly and kinda making up words. (This does NOT apply to apostrophes, however. If you see an abused -- or otherwise mistreated -- apostrophe anywhere in this document please let me know. Apostrophes are abused enough, and I refuse to add to their abuse and suffering in any way.)
I promise, though, that I am capable of decent grammar and can, in fact, write business correspondence without embarrassing myself. Here, not so much.


Yes, I have work to do. Why do you ask?

And things change...

I decided yesterday that things weren't going to keep going the way they were. And H came to the same conclusion. So, last night we had a very sad talk that means big changes for us.

And we're treating each other better already. I guess when the emotional charge gets taken out of every single comment uttered it gets easier to be nonreactive.

So, um. I guess that's all I want to say for now.

Crazy

I've calmed down. More or less.

I'm beginning to feel like feelings about my marriage, etc. are taking over my life. Friends call, I don't call back. I'm kind of avoiding my family. I don't DO anything. I just feel so lost right now. It's that this is all I can think about. And it's so hard to explain, these feelings. I'm just off-balance. I drink too much. I spew bitter comments about H.

It's getting to be too much, this separation limbo. Yes, we're separating, but we live together. We're still financially intertwined. It's so so hard.

Oh, gotta go, y'all. Staff meeting.

Oh, and AIGA conference is this week. Four days out of town, yay! And I'm really hoping to see some faces I haven't seen in a while. Oh, and talk about design. :)

Random thoughts

It's Friday afternoon and my brain just switched off. I was concepting my little heart out and then BAM! gone. Eees okay, though -- I think I have some good stuff. And, really, big thinking can only go on for so long. Gets painful.

So this weekend? I got nothing. Wait, change that: going out Saturday with the gang. (Not that kind. I would like some secret signals or gang colors, but we're just all too pacifist to be truly gang-like. Dang. Is prodigious drinking enough? We're REALLY good at that.)

I got a volunteering notice from the Red Cross today, but of course it was for, um, today. People? NOTICE. I will volunteer, though. Do you hear me, Red Cross??? Don't make me show up (again) uninvited.

Did you hear, by the way, that Michael Brown of FEMA has been ordered back to Washington? HA HA HA HA HA FUCKING HA. Now, let's get rid of Secretary Jerkoff of Homeland Insecurity so I can call it a really good day. Dubya for a super fabulous great magnificent day.

Had some good news today. My aunt got a job. A good job! Yay for Lin Lin! (And yes, her name is really Linda, and, yes, I still call her Lin Lin. Bite me.) That leaves only my mom, my future SIL, and my other aunt (Chee Chee I call her, so if you had a problem with Lin Lin you can really laugh it up) unemployed, so things are looking up for the fam. More up, at least. While Lin Lin won't be able to fix my parents' roof, she will buy my grandmother a new car. Nanny's car has been toast for a while and hasn't had the money to fix it. And when Nanny can't go to the graveyard/grocery store/bank when she wants to she gets pissy, and I can promise you that no one wants that --> I mean, I inherited my moodiness honestly. AND my dad's truck is kaput too, so at least now they'll have one car between them.

By the way, I can't stop listening to the Bravery. Jim, darlin', why didn't you tell me I loved them when y'all saw 'em this summer? I swear.

Awwww yeah

The Samurai is broken again.

Can you say hell yeah? Hell no.

Get this: the clutch broke. Literally. The clutch pedal BROKE OFF.

*sigh*

So I am carless again unless H's new friends at samuraisalvage.com comes through for us again.

Beautiful

I was doing some research and this quote popped up:

"I am coming to feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than the people of goodwill. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people. We must come to see that human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability. It comes through the tireless efforts and persistent work of men willing to be co-workers with God, and without this hard work time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right. Now is the time to make real the promise of democracy, and transform our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. Now is the time to lift our national policy from the quicksand of racial injustice to the solid rock of human dignity."

--Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm horrible

Ran into G and her man D last night at Casita de Word I'm Spacing On, which is right up the street from our house. I invited us to dine together and it was fun, even if awkward for them, I'm sure, to be spending time with the most non-fun couple evah. I was really happy to have the company.

After H and I got home I made a long-overdue call to my parents. You have to realize that I talk to my parents quite frequently, so this four or five day absence was unusual. I really DID NOT WANT to talk to my dad. We're close except for our politics, so I was afraid to get on the phone with him and hear him defend the president. And it happened anyway, so I was right not to talk to him last week when my emotions were through the roof. I might have gone off on him and given him another heart attack. Last night was still pretty bad: after begging him not to talk about it I still ended up holding the phone away from my ear and waiting for silence so I could tell my dad I wasn't listening to him. And -- huh -- for some reason that seemed to piss him off more. He's a Rush Limbaugh listener, so that should give you a clue about who he was blaming. If you guessed the black mayor and the black local government you've won a prize. Dingdingfuckingding.

I have GOT to get some work done. Up until yesterday I've been really really good about working during Katrina. I was able to freak out and work at the same time. Yesterday, dayum. Couldn't think at all. It doesn't help that I'm starting a new project which means concepting. Concepting is a part of being a designer that I love love love, but it's hard as shit to do if you're not able to get into a relaxing thinking drawing writing being-smart mood. I really have to work my headphones today. Deadlines coming up.

And while I'm psyched about the AIGA conference, at the same time I'm aware that it puts me on a three-day work-week next week. And that cuts into my deadline even more. Eek.

I'll do it, though. Must. Get. Moving.
So, bye.

Keep getting surprised

Didn't know I'd get spam in the comments section. Huh. Had someone asking if I wanted stone vases. No, really, that's okay.

Passed a long military/police caravan going south on the connector following a bus with the words "evacuation center" on it. Seriously long, like with at least 15 vehicles with sirens. Reminded me of returning to work after 9/11: just this sinking feeling of oh, that's what life is like now, huh? (I still worked in the Saatchi building on Hudson / Houston, across the street from an INS building. I remember having to show ID to cross the police barrier and even then I had to take the long way around to my building. I remember that we all jumped with every siren.)

There was a bit of a nip in the air this morning. Used to be the most amazing feeling in the world: the first nip (yeah, I'm sure there's a bit of a joke there but I am calling it a nip anyway) after a long summer. Now it always kind of reminds me of 9/11 as everyone says that that day was that gorgeous September first nip day. Now, somehow, I think it's gonna be a reminder of Katrina as well.

I love September. Now it makes me sad.

just went shopping

The universal cure-all didn't work today. I'm not much happier than I was before I went. Of course, I had massive guilt over spending money post-Katrina, so I shopped really really frugally, even for me.

Anyway. Got some good stuff: a metal office credenza that MATCHES the one I have, except it has shelves and doors that open out instead of file drawers. It's awesome, and I paid just $20 for it at Value Village. Yay!

Let's see: I also bought an old metal file box and a cool letter holder organizer thing at VV, a new shower curtain and a tub stopper coverer thing (since the stopper in my tub doesn't seal well and bath water goes right on out. I'm glad to have the new stopper thing as I'm really craving a bath) from Bed Bath and Beyond (which always makes me think of the Simpsons episode where the gun store is Bloodbath and Beyond), and nothing (!) from Office Depot. That's a bad sign: Office Depot is usually a sure way to cheer me up. I mean, pens and post-it notes and magnets -- come on, dude. AND nothing grabbed me at B&N either. Scary. It did remind me, though, that I still have G's copy of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell so I didn't actually need to buy a book. I think I'll have to crack that open tonight as I really need a CNN break. I'll play hooky and be a good responsible American again tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight.

Yes, I'm totally boring. All I did this weekend is go to L's on Saturday for a bday party. And god the food was good. The birthday boy's mom sent a pound cake, and holy mama it was tasty. I got a bit tipsy which precipitated an early departure. I'm not fit for company these days.

Less freaked out

Okay, I've calmed down. I promise.

Yesterday I cleaned out my closet 'til it hurt. And then I tried to take the stuff to someone who needed it, all crazy driving to Georgia Tech. Problem is, the Red Cross didn't want them and suggested taking the bags to the Salvation Army, to which I was all hell to the no -- I know who'd get them at the Salvation Army: someone like ME.

If I gave up my good stuff, it was going to hurricane victims. Dang. So the bags are in my car. Yell if someone knows any Katrina victims who need:
women's clothing, size 6-8
women's clothing, size 10
women's clothing, size 11-14
(shut-up)
bags/wallets
shoes size 10
toiletries

It is frustrating to hear people asking for help and being given no instruction to do so except monetarily. Well, I have more time now than money, and I've done all I can do financially. I've signed up everywhere to do anything. Dude. It's frustrating.

Okay, must quit obsessing. Especially since I've claimed to have calmed down.

Tonight H and I have an awkward happy couple dinner date with our neighbors, who are expecting a baby any minute now. I hope she won't go into labor tonight, unless, of course, the evening is really long or something.

Addendum

I forgot I posted this morning. Anyway. Second verse same as the first.

I am blown away

Just noting that it is 24 hours after my last post and things are still fucking sucktastic. I am astonished. How can things still be so bad?

I've had it

Wrote this to my friend L when asked if I wanted to volunteer with the Red Cross:

Dude, yeah. I can't figure what to do. And seriously, I'm thinking of driving to MS/LA this weekend with a load of stuff and bring back anyone who wants to come to an Atlanta shelter. Maybe that's crazy, but I don't trust the bloody Feds when they say help is arriving

Is that crazy? I know all the websites are saying to stay out and leave the rescues to groups, but Jesus, y'all: ain't nobody showing up to help.

I have to stop watching CNN

Or I am going to freak out.

Are y'all watching this? Where the hell is the federal government? Where the hell is offical help?
Shouldn't the president be on tv or something?

Ack.

Good. Someone else is pissed.

http://slate.msn.com/id/2125494/nav/tap2/

Dude.

Y'all. This thing in New Orleans is fucked up. People are dying waiting to be rescued. What century is this? What country is this? Where's the goddamn federal government? What kind of half-assed planning is this?

Seriously. I DON'T GET IT. Why isn't the rescue effort moving faster? Why is it taking so bloody long to get help to these people?

Dubya: Katrina is finally gonna wipe that frat-boy smug smirk of a smile off your tanned entitled face. There may be some troops left in the National Guard, but apparently all the equipment is in Iraq fighting your dubious war. There are citizens of this country dying of a lack of water and food while frantically asking for help which isn't arriving. Sit in Washington smirking about this making us stronger. Well, yeah, for people maybe who survive. The people dying out in front of the New Orleans convention center, um, maybe won't.

God, I hate him. I hate this war, I hate that the war is making us unable to take care of our own people. I hate that all of these people are begging for basic necessities of life and asking where is the help? It's been four days -- where is the help?

What about the nurses and doctors at Charity Hospital trying to scrounge diesel for their one generator and ventilate desperately sick patients by hand? Evacuating the patients and hauling them downstairs sending them out and having them shot at by snipers. Then waiting for hours to try again. THEN evacuating again and having them RETURNED later because, um, there's nowhere to take them. Then hauling them back inside and upstairs again. These are patients who have, like, broken backs. I just can't get over how fucked up this is.