moving on up

(Annoying: when I don't look at the screen and type a whole line without noticing it's all uppercase.)

Really annoying: the first thing I did after waking up this morning was to have the water/ice dispenser get stuck wide open. I finished filling the kettle and the water just kept! coming! out! of the front of the fridge. I did get it to switch to the ice setting, which meant I had pieces of ice spraying out on the floor but still an improvement over the (filtered) water pouring out. Finally I got it to stop, but damn, that was an evil way to wake up.

I hope this isn't an indication of how my day is going to be.

We're moving ahead with selling the house, and y'all -- it's hard. I love our house. I really do. It's such a great house. I hate having to scurry around doing all this stuff to make it more sellable, when anyone with ANY common sense would see that it's a fucking GREAT house so obviously I'm preparing MY house for an idiot to buy (heh. I'm not biased.). And there is no way we're going to recoup all the money we put into it, so someone else is going to reap the benefits down the line.

And I don't have a choice. (Do I?)

H and I need to move on and get out of this pseudo-married purgatory we're in. I can't afford the house alone (which is obvious from the debt we've run up while we were on one (my) income). I couldn't handle the upkeep on the house alone. I know I need a fresh start, and a place of my own -- a place that I pick out, a place that I set up myself. But looking at all the work between here and there? Makes me REALLY tired. And sad. And I start thinking things like, should we just wait until spring? Work will be slower then. More people buy houses then. H is travelling now, so I would have alone time. We're fine as roommates.

But living as roommates is weird. I find myself getting sucked into the way we lived as a couple instead of how I need and want to live as a single person. I find that I still try to take care of H, and that isn't healthy for either of us. It's a fine line to walk between learning to be friends and falling back on old ways of living. And I know I need to move forward.

It's funny, I didn't feel panicked about this move forward until now, when we're making an irreversible move in selling our house. And part of me is screaming "I'm not ready!". But I have to be. I can do it. I have to go forward. I need to be by myself. I have to quit mothering H.

I just need to bite the bullet. And I know that. (My tummy must not, judging from how upset it's been.) It's become really clear lately that if I want to get moving (literally) I have to do it. H has great intentions and lousy follow-through, so I feel responsible for getting the house ready to sell, which stresses me out. I feel like I'm dragging him through this. It's partially from his new job: not only is he adjusting to working 40 hours for the first time in years, but it's also a business environment where he's the only creative. I've started enough new jobs to recognize that panicked look of "what have I gotten myself into?" as I've felt it many times. And part of me has sympathy, and part is smug, like, yeah, welcome back to the working world, bitch. Sucks, doesn't it?

I really do love my future ex-husband, y'all. I also frequently want to kick his ass, so it's a good thing we're divorcing, eh?

Sorry for whining. I just feel overwhelmed. Too many huge decisions at once makes me crazy.