Freaked out

I don't know why, I just know that I am.

Freaked out, that is.

I am in a quiet panic. I'm a wreck since this process of putting the house on the market and me having to project manage at work. Which, by the way, the project management bit? Oh my god, I hate it so much and I don't know why. Sometimes I enjoy (in corporate-speak) having a lot of irons in the fire, but something about phone calls and money makes me nervous. And throw that in with trying to get a good photographer I know to shoot my project and having to nickel and dime him (AGH! accidental corporate speak!) while trying not to get my new boss pissed at me for higher costs -- which he's obviously worried about -- which come directly out of his budget as I wanted to get in an (I worry that he thinks is an) expensive New York photographer (when they've always used local) all to shoot in two weeks and I don't have a single confirmed place or date AND I have a new project too? Man, sorry about that sentence. I won't rewrite it as the details aren't specific and that's pretty good rendition of what goes through my head, which is kinda more the story here anyway.

Ahem. Anyway.

M told me on the phone last night how together I seemed and it astonishes me that I came across that way. I wish I felt that way. I meant everything I said (and it was an awesome conversation and it reminds me how much I miss her) and it was all true, but I can't convey this feeling I have of barely holding it together. I'm getting through it all but it's hard. But all I can think about is how hard it's all going to be. How much I have to do. I try to look forward to when things will be better but I hate living for the future. I feel like my whole life has been about living through A so I can get to B. I hate it.

I can't enjoy now. I worry. I worry about not doing enough every day. What I have to do before I can actually do much of it. It's just overwhelming sometimes. I mean, I like being lazy. I miss it.

And I feel whiny. Do you know what I'm talking about? When you feel all needy and just want sympathy. When you don't talk to anyone or do anything that isn't house or work or email or Snood. Well, maybe that last one's just me.

And I get so self-involved. I miss my friends so much, but I can't get my act together to call. It's like I'm so not fun right now that I feel like I'm better off at home. Oh, man: did you see the self-pity? Like, I'll just stay home. With my three cats.

Hee. That made me remember a Gilmore Girls line so I googled "gilmore girls ennui" and went to a GG page in Wikipedia with the quote I wanted and some other really good ones. God bless the internet.

Oh, the actual quote will now be non funny, but here:


[Morning at the Inn. Sookie is moping around, having "caught" Michel's ennui. Lorelai has just gotten off the phone with Max after a wonderful evening together.]
Sookie: You look happy.
Lorelai: Oh, well… what's the opposite of ennui?
Sookie: [pauses] Off-ui. [giggles] Oh, hey, I'm cured!


It's all in the delivery.

Dude, I need a vacation. And I must now cook dinner for me and the future ex-husband.